cursed_darkness

I’m halfway down the hall when I hear it. Fag. The word resonates in my mind like an echo in a cave. With my eyes downcast, I sprint out of the house with my hood on. The wind is blowing fiercely, throwing debris into the air and making the stop signs shake. I don’t stop running until I reach Darien’s house. I collapse on the porch as he steps out. With an amused grin, he sits on a step as he shakes his head.

“Running away again?” he asks.

“I wasn’t running away. I just felt like running.”

“Mhm. That’s what you said last time. What did your gay bashing brother have to say this time?”

I sigh as I sit up straight next to him. Even though we’ve only been friends for a couple of months, Darien is the closest friend I’ve had so far. He knows me far better than everyone else. It also means that he fully accepts me for who I am.

I say, “Nothing. He just said the word fag. That’s all.”

“Funny how one word can hold so much negativity. Your parents are still ignoring it?”

“Yeah. It doesn’t matter, though. I haven’t brought it up since last week, so it’s cool.”

I can tell Darien is upset because he starts cracking his knuckles. Whenever he gets mad he always fools around with his hands. I expect him to start going on a rant, but he stays quiet. The wind starts blowing again, making the branches sway violently. The clouds in the horizon look ominous; they’re dark and hovering close to the ground. I stare at the sky as Darien sighs.

He says, “How many times do I have to tell you? You need to stand up to your pathetic excuse of a brother. I know it’s not easy, but still. He doesn’t say shit when I’m over there. You need to make him respect you.”

“I know. I’m trying. It’s just really hard to say anything with my parents always there.”

“There’s still no excuse. You need to stand up to him.”

I shrug. “He doesn’t take me seriously. He just says that I’m a sixteen year old who’s pretending to be a lesbian. Apparently it’s the new fad in town. I heard him saying that to my parents.”

“See, that’s the kind of shit that I fucking hate,” Darien says as he stands up. “I’m not gay, but that doesn’t give me the right to bash you. There’s just no sense in it. I’m sorry, but I fucking hate your brother.”

“You know, it didn’t used to be like this. He used to love me so much. Then he found out that I like girls and everything changed.”

I lower my gaze and close my eyes as I remember the recent past. Before I came out to my family, my brother and I were really close. We would go to the movies every weekend and play Halo whenever he didn’t have work. The moment he found out that I was gay, though, he started ignoring me. I’d come to him with plans and he’d completely blow me off. It still hurts, but I’m trying to accept the fact that I lost my brother as a friend.

I lift my head as lightning flashes in the horizon, which is followed by thunder. Darien puts his hand on my shoulder and leans down close to me.

He says, “Next time he says anything, just tell him to stop. He’ll leave you alone then. I’m gonna head inside now. There’s a tornado watch for us. You should head home, too.”

I nod as he gives me a quick hug. I start running back home, aware that the wind is picking up in intensity. More lightning strikes in the distance and the branches are dancing violently. A deep rumble penetrates the sky, and it’s then that I know that the storm is real close.

When I get home, I find my parents and my brother opening the basement hatchet. Lightning flashes the sky as the rain beings to pour suddenly. My dad takes me by the hand and pulls me with him down the steps. Patrick is sitting on the floor in the corner of the basement, playing his PSP. I walk toward him, ready to confront whatever he has to say.  I expect him to get up and walk to the opposite side of the room, but he just stays there. Surprised, I sit down next to him and watch him play Prince Of Persia before mom locks the basement hatch.

“You’re playing it again?” I ask him.

He nods. “I got bored with all the other games, so I decided to play Prince Of Persia again. You wanna play it?”

I almost start to cry. It feels so good to have him talking to me again. I shake my head.

“I’ll just watch you play,” I say.

The minutes pass in hesitation as we wait for the storm to pass. The wind is howling and making the house creak. Even though it’s scary, I know that we’re safe in the basement. The storm passes by rather quickly because in five minutes the rain stops. Everything is silent as dad reopens the hatch and steps outside. He comes back down and nods.

“It’s safe to go out,” he says. “Come on.”

Patrick turns off his PSP and we both get up. I follow him out of the basement and into the house, wondering if now’s the right time to tell him. I ignore my mom and dad when they call my name behind me. Patrick goes into his room, and I stand in his doorway, staring at him. He sits down on the bed and flips on the television. After closing the door, I sit down on the edge of the bed. Darien’s words pass through my mind. You need to make him respect you.

“Why do you hate me?” I ask.

He doesn’t say anything as he changes the channel. I turn to face him, but he’s looking right at the screen, ignoring me. A couple of seconds pass, and he’s still surfing through the channels.

“Pat,” I say. “Please don’t ignore me.”

He ignores me again. Anger surges through me as I lean close to him and take the remote controller from his hand. My hands are shaking and my mind’s buzzing, but I keep staring at him. He still doesn’t look at me. Tears start to form as I throw the controller to the floor. It breaks, making Patrick flinch.

“Can you at least look at me?” I ask.

His gaze finally sets on me. Once I see his eyes, though, my anger starts to fade. There’s no mistake in what I see; he’s crying in front of me. I immediately try to hug him, but he stops me.

“I owe you an apology,” he says. “I’ve been a complete dick to you these past two weeks. I hope you can forgive me eventually.”

I nod. He shakes his head and covers his face with his hands. Seeing that he’s really upset, I wrap my arms around him and kiss his cheek.

“I forgive you. Don’t be so upset,” I say.

“I’m a fucking idiot!” he yells.

“What is it?”

He shakes his head again. “It’s pathetic. You won’t believe it.”

“Try me.”

“I can’t make myself say it.”

We sit there as the television continues playing. The door opens and my mom pokes her head inside, smiling.

“Dinner’s ready,” she says.

She closes the door, leaving us to our thoughts again. I’m about to get off the bed when he suddenly holds onto my hand.

“I have to tell mom and dad something, too,” he says. “I’m not straight, Emma.”

It takes a moment for me to realize what he said. Surprised, I just stare at him as he squeezes onto my hand for support. The television is background noise as I wait for him to keep talking.

“When you told mom and dad that you were gay, I got mad. I was worried they were going to give you hell for it. I didn’t know what was going to happen. It kinda forced me to deal with my sexuality, too.”

“So you’re gay as well?” I ask.

“Bisexual. I’ve known for years. I don’t prefer either sex. I tried changing it, but there’s no use in it.”

I nod. “I tried the same. You were scared mom and dad were going to find out about you then.”

“Yeah, I was. That’s why I was picking on you. I didn’t see a reason to flaunt it. But I see it differently now.”

“Don’t worry, I understand. It’s okay if you aren’t ready to tell mom and dad. Maybe it’s not the time now.”

“I don’t know,” he says as he shakes his head. “I’m not ready but I want to be. It feels like an excuse. I’m sure you didn’t feel ready when you told mom and dad.”

I avoid his gaze as I remember telling them my secret. Even though part of me was scared, I found myself to be calmer than anything. Before, I had always thought that being gay was wrong and sinful, and I even tried changing it. Once I realized that I couldn’t change, though, I began to see that it isn’t wrong. People just make it wrong because they don’t understand it. They choose to label anything different as evil or sinful. Even though it was hard, I felt so much better once I let the secret out. It didn’t feel like I was lying to them all the time.

I say, “You know, it was kind of hard going up to them and actually doing it. That’s the hardest part because you can easily back down. Everything after that is pretty easy.”

“But you know what they’re gonna say. They’ll think I’m confused and all that shit. Most people really don’t get bisexuals. They think we just can’t make up our minds.”

I shake my head. “I don’t think that way. It doesn’t matter if they think like that, anyway. It will have to change because they love you. They love me, too.”

“If they really loved us, they wouldn’t have a problem with it,” Patrick says thickly.

“I know. You just need to give them some time,” I say as I squeeze his hand again.

“I’m not even hungry. I don’t wanna go downstairs.”

“I guess we have to.”

I start walking away, expecting him to follow me. When I open the door, though, he’s still sitting on the bed. I take one look at him and know what he’s going to do already. He no longer looks scared or nervous. Instead he looks determined and angry.

“You’re going to do it?” I ask.

He nods. “I can’t wait anymore.”

I don’t say anything as I walk out of his room and into the hallway. I make my way down the stairs and look at all the family portraits on the walls. For a moment I get sad because I realize that after tonight nothing will be the same. I know that my parents won’t be able to deal with the both of their kids being gay. My intuition is screaming at me to run from Indiana and go as far away as I can before the breakdown begins. There’s no way I’m doing that, though. I can’t leave my brother behind.

Patrick comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me close to me him.

He says, “It will be okay, I promise.”

I nod as I continue walking down the stairs. Ignoring the whirlwind of thoughts in my mind, I go into the kitchen with my brother closely behind. He’s holding my hand the entire time, giving me the strength I need.

We end up drinking the entire bottle of wine in less than half an hour. Emily’s face is completely flushed as she sets the empty bottle on the floor. Feeling tipsy, I pull her closer to me as she pokes my face.

“You know, I really want to kiss you right now,” she says.

“When we date we can do that. You’re a little drunk, I think.”

She giggles. “I am. I’m sorry. Wanna know a secret?”

“Sure.”

“Promise you won’t laugh?”

“Of course.”

She pauses before she says, “I’m a virgin.”

I smile. “Attractive.”

Emily tries to tickle me, and I laugh. I’m not ticklish, but I play along.


I say, “I didn’t mean that in a dirty way. I’m just not attracted to slutty women anymore.”

“You used to be?”

“Yes. It wasn’t the best time of my life.”

“I’m sorry.”

Sighing, I try my best not to get sad. It’s too late, though. I think about all the countless girls I hooked up with after Jillian dumped me. I didn’t even enjoy any of it. The exception was Samantha. She had been a pretty good friend of Jillian’s until I turned single. Next thing I knew she started hanging out with me every day. The sex was great, but she ended up dating this musician from Purchase. I didn’t take it personally, and after that I started hooking up with random girls.

She says, “People talked a lot. I never got the truth, though. I don’t think rumors should be trusted.”

“In my case, they should be. What did you hear?”

Emily runs her fingers through my hair. I stare at the floor as she massages my scalp.

She says, “I heard a lot of stuff. Someone told me that you were hooked on Oxy. Someone else said you were snorting coke every day. I just didn’t know what to believe anymore.”

“Both those things were true at some point. I was beyond the point of not caring. I pretty much wanted to die.”

Emily doesn’t say anything as she stops running her fingers through my hair. She squeezes my hands and looks into my eyes.

“I remember seeing you around town during that time. I wanted to talk to you, but I knew I would have only bothered you.”

“No one gave a shit. You would have been my hero at that point. People were just using me for my money and body. All my friends left me. I stuck myself in the loony bin because I was scared of myself.”

“You were scared of waking up. I’ve been there,” she says grimly

I nod. “Rehab saved me, but some days it’s still hard, you know?”

“Of course. Most people don’t understand that. They think it always stays good.”

“I know. I really hate it. It’s like…when I get really down, people yell at me for it. They expect me to always be positive or something. It fucking annoys me.”

Emily laughs. “I have the same problem. Wow.”

“What is it?”

“Nothing. It’s just we have so much in common. It’s weird.”

I shrug. “I think it’s pretty cool.”

“Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s cool, too. I’m just not used to it.”

“Well, get used to it. You have no other option.”

She laughs. I smile in response and squeeze her tight. It feels good to just feel her against me. I can smell her perfume, which is no doubt a spray from Bath and Body Works. It kinda smells like the one that Jillian used. Chuckling, I can’t help but notice how I always relate everything to Jillian. There’s no denying that she’s still stuck in my mind, stalking me.

“Everything okay?” Emily asks.

“Yeah. It’s fine.”

“So what’s going on with your parents? You didn’t tell me.”

I roll my eyes. “Ugh. I don’t even want to get into it.”

Suddenly the doorbell rings. I raise an eyebrow as Emily peers at the door.

“Who could it be?” I ask as Emily lets go of me. “I wasn’t expecting any visitors.”

Getting to the door, I find that I’m tipsier than I thought. I sway a little as I walk down the stairs, and once I have the door open I’m trying not to grin too much. When I see Kendra and Jon staring at me in the doorway, I find myself not surprised.

“I didn’t know I was having a party,” I say as I hug Kendra.

“We figured we’d stop by,” Jon says as he nudges my shoulder with his fist. “I hope that’s okay with you.”

“That’s fine. I don’t mind at all. I just ran out of alcohol, though.”

“I got that,” Jon says.

He raises a six pack of Smirnoff while Kendra raises a bottle of Bacardi. I whistle.

I say, “Is this gonna be a long night?”

“Yeah, probably,” Kendra says. “Whether you like it or not.”

We all laugh as we walk up the stairs. When we sit down along with Emily, I realize that Jon’s never been over my place.

“I can’t believe you’ve never been over, Jon,” I say.

“I know. Me neither. It’s a nice place. You said your dad got it for you?”

“Yeah. You know Emily, right?”

Jon nods as Kendra waves at Emily, who smiles back at her.

“You’re Kendra, right?” Emily asks.

“Mhm. And I know you through lovely Bradley over there.”

I rest my head on Emily’s shoulder as Kendra grins at me. Apparently she approves of me and Emily already.

“So who wants to get shit faced?” Jon asks as he raises the bottle of rum.

Emily says, “I’m already tipsy as it is.”

“Well now you’re gonna get wasted, my dear,” Jon says.

He opens the bottle of Bacardi as I stare at him. For some reason Jon seems to be a different guy suddenly. He’s not acting like the selfish pig I witnessed the other night. I’ve never seen him so nice toward anyone. Jon’s the type of guy who only does things if he’ll get something in return. At least that’s the way I thought he worked.

“Earth to Bradley! Do you want rum and coke or Smirnoff?”

I tear my gaze from Jon and look at Kendra, who was just yelling at me.

I say, “Smirnoff is good.”

Jon throws me one, which I manage to catch before it slips from my grasp. After popping open the Smirnoff, I watch as Emily gets up from the couch and walks over to the Bacardi bottle. I’m about to get the Coke but I stop to watch her open the rum and tilt her head back to drink it. She takes a long swing before she sets it on the table and starts to cough.

“Damn, girl. You all right?” Kendra asks.

Emily nods. She sits back down by my side and cuddles real close to me. I can’t help but smile.

“Give me some of that Bacardi,” Kendra says.

Everything becomes background noise as I drink the entire bottle of Smirnoff.  Once I’m done with it, I set the bottle on the table. Emily suddenly stands up and takes me by the hand.

“Take me to your room,” she says.

I don’t even have time to react. The pressure of her hand is making me think that something’s wrong. Worried, I take us to my bedroom, where I’m about to ask her what’s going on until she closes the door and lunges herself at me. I fall on the bed with her on top of me as she kisses me. I can taste the rum and wine on her tongue. When she starts lowering her hand down to my crotch, though, I push her off me.

“What are you doing?” she asks. “Don’t you want me?”

I groan. “Sweetie, you’re drunk.”

“So? That doesn’t matter.”

“You wouldn’t be saying that if you were sober. Here, lay down.”

I lift the covers and help her get underneath them. She looks at me with weary eyes as I sit next to her on the bed.

“I’m acting like a complete whore, aren’t I?” she asks.

“Don’t worry about it. Just relax. Talk to me.”

“I can’t believe I just tried to rape you.”

I laugh as she pulls the sheets over her head. Smiling, I take the sheets off and make her face me.

I say, “You weren’t trying to rape me, silly. You’re fine. I’ll stay here with you until your silliness passes.”

"But your friends are here. I don’t want to get in the way.”

“Actually, they interrupted our date.”

Emily rolls her eyes as I lay down next to her. Within five minutes she’s sleeping peacefully underneath the covers. I lay there, watching her rest for a couple of moments before I get up from the bed and turn off the light. Once I join Kendra and Jon in the living room, I pour myself a shot of Bacardi and drink it. Kendra laughs and Jon chuckles.

“What was that about?” Jon asks.

“Emily’s taking a nap,” I say.

“She looked pretty fucking wasted.”

Kendra smacks Jon on the knee and he lowers his head slightly.

“Sorry,” Jon says. “The girlfriend’s making me change my mean ways.”

“Girlfriend?” I ask. “You didn’t tell me, Kends.”

Kendra laughs. “Yeah. I didn’t know how you would take it. He asked me out at the party.”

I don’t say anything as I bite my lower lip. Kendra’s supposed to be my best friend, yet she can’t even tell me this? Annoyed, I take the bottle of rum and drink it as I make my way to the spare bedroom. I close the door and sit down on the floor, ignoring the door when it opens.

“I knew you’d get upset,” Kendra says. “I was going to tell you, but you had stuff going on.”

“Oh yeah? When were you supposed to tell me? I’m sorry, but I tell you
everything. Apparently you don’t trust me. That’s fucked up, Kendra.”

She doesn’t say anything as she sits down next to me. When she tries to hug me, though, I push her off.

“Don’t try that shit on me. Here, have your rum back,” I say as I hand her the bottle. “I think it’s best that you leave now. I just wanna be alone.”

I expect her to start arguing with me, but she doesn’t say anything. She nods before she leaves the room and closes the door behind her. Once they leave, I walk into my room and lay down next to Emily, who’s still sleeping. I don’t even bother to slip underneath the sheets. Once I close my eyes, sleep comes at once.

*****

By the time I wake up, Emily has breakfast ready for me on the desk. Laughing, she smiles as she sits down next to me.

“I hope you don’t mind this. I figured this was the best way to say thank you,” she says.

“Did we get married in my sleep or something? Cuz I don’t remember.”

Emily tilts her head back and laughs. I steal a glance at her and can’t help but notice how beautiful she is. I really wasn’t expecting to date so soon, but maybe this feels right for a reason. She stops laughing and grins at me. Knowing that I’m taking a chance here, I decide to be honest.

“Wanna know a secret?” I ask.

“Sure.”

“I really like you. I think you’re a cutie.”

Emily blushes. I put my hand over hers as I look into her eyes.

“So I have to know,” I say. “Will you go out with me?”

She bites her lower lip before she says, “Of course.”

I smile as I put the plate of food on my lap. She wraps her arms around me for a
quick second before she lets go.

“You don’t know how happy you just made me,” she says.

I try not to laugh as I take a bite of the scrambled eggs. Along with the eggs, she made me bacon and toast, which I eat quickly. Once I’m done with everything, I wash it down with the orange juice. She looks at me and smiles.

“So did you think it was good?” she asks.

“Mhm. It was really good. You cook really well.”

“Not really. I’ve had way better food, believe me. My mom can make the best plates. You should come over some time for dinner.”

I nod as I set the plate back on the table. “I think I will. I never see them home, though. They always out or something?”

“They work a lot. It’s to keep the roof over our head and stuff. You know how it goes.”

“Yeah, I know. I can’t wait to leave this shit hole, actually.”

Emily frowns. “I know what you mean.”

“You’re lucky you went to bed last night. I ended up kicking Jon and Kendra out.”

“Why? What happened?”

“Kendra kinda forgot to tell me that she’s going out with Jon.”

“What? She didn’t tell you? I thought she was your best friend,” Emily says.

“I thought so, too. Best friends don’t keep secrets like that from each other.”

“I’m sorry, Bradley,” she says as she holds onto my arm. “I hate when people do that.”

“Same here. It’s just more drama to deal with. With my mom cheating on my dad, I don’t know what else to expect.”

“Are you serious?” she asks in surprise. “I can’t believe that.”

“You better. It comes as no surprise, really. They’ve been having issues for awhile.
She doesn’t know that I’m aware of her secret, though. My aunt told me to keep it to myself.”

Emily buries her head into my neck. “That’s bad. I can definitely relate.”

I shake my head. “It could be worse, I know. But with the way things are going…”

Suddenly my cell phone starts vibrating. I look at the screen and stare at it for like
five seconds before I consider picking it up. Jillian hasn’t called me for months.
Maybe there’s another CD she wants?

After a moment of hesitation, I get off the bed and squeeze Emily’s hand quickly.

“I’ll be right back,” I say.

I sprint to the bathroom, lock the door, and flip open the open.

“Hello?” I say.

“Hey, it’s Jillian.”

“I know.”

She pauses for a second. “You still have my number?”

“Yeah. What’s up?”

The silence comes back for a couple of seconds. Annoyed, I try my best not to
groan.

“Look, I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but what do you want?”

“I need to see you.”

This time I can’t help but groan. “I gave you the CD’s you wanted.”

“I know,” she says. “But I need to see you in person. Could I see you later?”

My instinct is telling me to say no, but of course I’m the nice guy and just play
along.

“Sure. Where and when?” I ask.

“Dunkin Donuts? In an hour?”

“Sure. See you then.”

I don’t wait for her to say bye. After hanging up the phone, I sit on the toilet seat and lean back. There was a time that I would have done anything to talk with Jillian again. I’m not so sure I want that now, though.

I get to Emily’s house five minutes before six. After I turn off the ignition, I send her a text telling her that I’m here. I make sure to have the roses in my hand before I get out of the car.

“Hello,” she says. “You’re early.”

“Yeah, I am. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all. How are you?”

“Good. How was work?”

“It was bearable until a kid puked in the bathroom.” She rolls her eyes. “I just had lunch, too.”

“Damn,” I say as I follow her in. “The perks of working at Wal Mart.”

Emily laughs as she leads me inside. Even though I feel bad for lying to her already, I know it’s for the best. Emily leads me to the dining room, where she has the lights shut off and some candles on. I’m about to ask about it when I see the plates set up on the table which have chicken and spaghetti on them. I stare at Emily and she blushes as she pulls a chair out.

“Yeah, I like to cook. I’m all right. I hope you like it,” she says.

I shake my head. “It’s the other way, actually. I’m supposed to pull the chair out for you.”

She laughs as we switch places. I pull out the chair further and wait for Emily to sit down. Once she’s sitting, I walk over to the seat across from her and sit down.

I don’t hesitate as I say, “This is the nicest thing anyone’s done to me.”

Emily blushes even more. Not wanting to embarrass her, I take a bite out of the chicken. It’s tender and delicious. I sneak another bite before I notice the bottle of red wine next to the salad bowl.

“Can I serve us some wine?” I ask.

“It’s why I put it on the table,” she says with a wink.

I take the cap off and pour some of it into our glasses. I hand her the glass and smile.

“Cheers,” I say.

I don’t even bother to enjoy the wine as I chug all of it down. The bitter taste makes me shiver for a second. Emily drinks her cup as I continue eating.

“This is really good,” I say. “You have to teach me how to cook.”

Emily laughs. “I’m not that great. I just copy my mom’s recipes.”

“Lucky,” I mumble.

“What did you say?”

Emily looks at me with a smile as she waits for a response. No longer feeling hungry, I set down the fork and knife.

She says, “You look upset.”

“I am.”

“You wanna talk about it? If not, it’s okay.”

I stare at the plate as I try to regain control of my emotions. When I saw Jillian in that Jeep, I didn’t feel anything at all. Yet I start reacting now that I’m on a date with Emily.

I say, “Jillian’s boyfriend came over earlier. Apparently she wanted some CD’s back. They were ones that she gave on my birthday. I didn’t expect it to throw me off, you know?”

“What? She did that?”

I nod. She frowns as she takes the wine and pours more in my glass.

“That’ll make you feel better,” she says. “There’s more in the fridge.”

“Isn’t it your parents’ wine?”

She shakes her head. “They don’t care. Drink as much as you want.”

“I’d rather talk about it, to be honest.”

There’s a moment of silence before Emily talks again. “I thought you didn’t like talking about her.”

“It’s easy with you. But yeah, I thought you were supposed to keep presents, you know?”

“She went?”

“She was in the car, waiting. It’s okay, though. I understand,” I say as I lower my eyes.

“How is it okay? It’s rude.”

I try not to scowl. “You don’t know how I used to be. You’d understand then.”

I take the wine and chug it again. Emily doesn’t say anything as she places a hand on my own.

She says, “It doesn’t matter who you were. What matters is now.”

Her words make sense, but there’s the irrational side of me that wants me to prove her wrong. Even though I’ve changed so much, I still feel like the same asshole that pushed Jillian away. The memory of our last fight starts creeping in my mind, so I focus my attention on an anxious looking Emily.

I say, “I know you’re right, but still. It’s not like she’s the enemy. I’ve done some bad things, too.”

“Of course. I’m not saying you’re a saint or anything. Do you wanna go to the couch? We can be more comfortable there.”

“Sure,” I say as I shrug.

We get up from our seats and head to the sofa. I suddenly remember about last night and curse.

“I’m such an idiot. I forgot to ask you if you’re feeling better,” I say as we sit down.

“It’s fine. I’m doing all right. Better than last night, that’s for sure.”

“You didn’t cut, right?”

“You can check me all over. I didn’t do it,” she says in a husky tone.

I laugh. Emily’s so cute. I just don’t see what she finds in me…

“If you want we can go to the park for awhile,” she says. “I like walking there at night.”

“Can we just sit here for a second? I don’t feel like going outside.”

“It’s up to you, babe. I can put on a movie if you want.”

“Shit,” I say as I remember about the movie. “I was going to bring The Virgin Suicides so we could watch it together.”

“Could we just go to your place? I mean, if it’s okay with you.”

“Yeah, sure.”

I take out the keys and follow Emily out of the house. The sun is starting to disappear behind the trees, bathing everything in darkness. She sees the Mustang in the driveway and she gasps.

“You’re not telling me that’s your car!” she says in a rush.

“It is, actually. Let’s take it for a ride, shall we?”

Emily nods enthusiastically. Seeing her happy is lifting my mood a bit. I unlock the doors and we get in.

“Don’t forget to put on your seat belt. I’m a reckless driver,” I say.

“Liar.”

I grin as I put my seat belt on. I don’t drive like a maniac with anyone in the car. There’s no way I would ever forgive myself if someone got hurt because of me.

“So how much was the car?” she asks. “It’s an old version, so I assume that it was pricey.”

I pull out of the driveway and chuckle. “I got it as a gift from my dad.”

Emily’s jaw drops. I can’t help but laugh at her reaction.

“I’m not talking to you anymore,” she says as she crosses her arms.

I laugh even more. Jillian used to do this kind of stuff when we first started dating. It’s always won me over.

I say, “Just so you know, my parents are neurotic and there’s a chance they could be at my house. Lately they’ve been hounding me a lot more.”

“Is that supposed to scare me?” she asks as she rolls down the window.

“No. But things are getting worse between them.”

“Really? I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. I’ll tell you more about it when we get to my place.”

“All right.”

After three more lights, we’re at my house. I park the car in the garage and unlock the doors. Emily laughs as she looks around the room.

She says, “I’ve never seen a cleaner garage.”

I chuckle. “Yeah, I like to keep it clean. I hate messy houses.”

“Me, too. You should have seen my father’s house in Ohio. There was stuff everywhere. The garage looked like a bomb went off.”

“Damn. I didn’t know you lived in Ohio.”

She nods as we walk up the stairs. “Dayton, Ohio. It was all right. I like Westchester more.”

“I’ve heard it’s not so bad. Looks calm.”

“It was boring for me, but I wouldn’t mind it now. I’m done with the city. There’s too much drama here.”

“I agree.”

“Nice place,” she says as we walk into the living room. “I like it.”

“Thanks. I try not to have too much stuff anywhere. I really hate clutter.”

“We’re so alike.”

I smile at her comment.

“Do you have any drinks by chance?” she asks.

“I got some white wine in the fridge. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, that’s great.”

“You can sit down if you want. I’ll be right back.”

I go to the kitchen to take out the wine as I smile. I really was dumb before to blow off Emily so easily. Like she said, we have a lot of things in common. I don’t have a problem in opening up to her so far. I just need to let go of Jillian, something which has been proving impossible so far.

With the bottle on the table, I take out two glasses and pour the wine into them. I put the bottle back into the fridge and go back into the living room. Emily’s sitting on the sofa, waiting patiently.

“Here you go,” I say as I hand her the wine. “I hope you like it.”

“I will.”

She takes a sip of it as I sit her by side. After drinking from my own glass, I turn on the television and DVD player. I press the play button and sit back.

“You already got it in there?” Emily asks.

“Yup. I’ve been watching it a lot lately. So it stays in my DVD player.”

“I do that with movies sometimes, too.”

“Mhm.”

The movie starts. I pretend not to notice, but Emily gets a little closer to me as the credits appear on screen. I think it’s nice of her, but it’s been awhile since I’ve been with a girl. After the past couple of months, I thought that it’d be impossible to date again. Maybe I was wrong?

I ask, “Is it okay if I put my arm around you?”

“You don’t have to ask.”

Smiling, I put my arm around her as she rests her head on my shoulder. The movie continues to play and after awhile I notice a wet spot on my shirt. It’s then that I realize that Emily is crying. I pause the movie and make her face me.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

“I’m sorry,” she says after a sob. “It’s just lately I’ve been thinking about the past. It’s been coming back for some reason.”

I squeeze her knee gently. “What about it?”

She shakes her head. “You’ll think it’s stupid. Everyone tells me to move on, and they’re right.”

“Sometimes you have to deal with it to move on. Did something happen before?”

Emily nods. “It’s my dad. The reason we had to move from Ohio…it’s because of him.”

An ominous feeling spreads through me as I wait for her to continue. I don’t like where this is going.

She says, “I’m lucky, though. Mom believed me when I told her what he was doing to me. He’d come to my room every night and play this game with me. My memory is fuzzy, but I remember that I’d end up naked and he’d do stuff to me. I just don’t get why he couldn’t do that stuff with mom.”

She starts to sob uncontrollably as I hold her tightly. Meanwhile I’m trying my best to restrain my anger. I don’t know her dad, but I already know enough. If he was anywhere close to New York state, I’d be paying him a visit. He’d end up in the hospital, and I’d end up in jail.

“It’s okay, honey,” I say. “That’s never going to happen again. I promise, okay?”

She nods as her crying lessens. I run my hand through her soft hair as I wipe the tears off with my other hand. Once her crying stops, she places her head on my chest again.

“Feel a little better?” I ask.

She nods, “I feel safe in your arms.”

“Good. Don’t worry. If anyone messes with you they’ll hear it from me.”

“You’re amazing.”

“I’m just being a friend. It’s my job.”

She nuzzles her head against my chest more as I close my eyes. I don’t think about anything as I listen to her breathing go back to normal. I don’t even bother to turn on the movie again.

My phone starts to ring once The Sopranos is over. Taking a glance at the incoming call, I notice that it’s my father’s cell. Kendra laughs as I roll my eyes when I answer it.

“Hey dad. What’s up?” I ask.

“Have you seen your mom? She’s gone missing since last night. I have no idea where she is.”

I sigh. “I don’t know dad. She was here for awhile last night and then left. She didn’t tell me where she went.”

“She’s probably at her sister’s house. I’ll be damned if I have to get her from that wretched hag. The only thing worse than your mother is her sister.”

I imitate blowing my brains out, which causes Kendra to cover her mouth from laughing too hard.

I say, “I know how much you hate Aunt Marcie, dad.  I can go check if mom’s there.”

“Could you do that? That’d be great of you, son. I’ll give you an extra fifty bucks to your allowance.”

I laugh. “You don’t have to do that.”

“No, wait. Let’s make it a hundred. That sounds better?”

“I’m not complaining,” I say with a shrug.

“Call me back once you have news of her.”

“Will do.”

We hang up the phone as Kendra starts laughing uncontrollably. I shake my head as I finish the remaining food.

“You know, they’re really starting to get to me,” I say once I finish the mac and cheese.

“What happened now?”

“My dad’s sending me to Aunt Marcie’s house to check if mom’s there. I wish he could get over himself. The only reason my dad doesn’t like my aunt is because she’s a Democrat.”

“You’ve got to be kidding,” Kendra says in surprise. “That’s the stupidest reason ever. Isn’t your aunt sweet?”

“She’s the most sane one in this family. Actually, the one I’m not ashamed to call family. I’m supposed to head over there now to check up on my mom. My dad should be doing this, but whatever. This is how things work.”

Kendra shakes her head. “I’m sorry, babe. I’ll go now if you want.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry I have to go. I’ll call you when I come back, though.”

“If you want to. I’ll be heading out later but you can still call me.”

“Okay. Sorry about this.”

“It’s not your fault.”

She sets the bowl on top of mine and hugs me tightly. After she leaves, I put my wallet into my back pocket and take the keys. I could easily call my Aunt Marcie and ask her if mom’s there, but I haven’t seen her in over a month and I kind of miss her. She’s the eccentric one in the family, and I can definitely relate to that.

Once I wash and dry the dishes, I start heading over to Aunt Marcie’s place. I speed my way out of the garage, noticing that the weather has finally cleared up. It takes me about ten minutes to get to her house. If mom walked over here, it would have taken around thirty minutes. I park the Mustang into Aunt Marcie’s driveway and get out of the car. The sun is shining and there is some humidity, but otherwise it’s a nice day. Once I get to her door, I ring the doorbell and wait for her to answer. The door opens a couple of seconds later with my aunt poking her head out. She smiles once she sees me and opens the door further.

“Bradley! It’s so nice to see you,” she says before she gives me a tight hug.

“It’s nice to see you, too. I’m sorry I came without calling.”

“You know that you’re always welcome here. Besides, I’m not surprised to see you.”

“Let me guess,” I say as I cross my arms. “Mi mama esta aqui.”

“You still remember some of that Spanish I taught you,” she says, impressed. “But yes, she’s here. She’s taking a shower right now but she’ll be out soon. You want to come in?”

“Sure.”

She steps to the side as I enter the house. After she closes the door, I sit down on one of the couches and smile as my aunt’s cat jumps on my lap. She immediately starts to purr as I pet her head.

“Jinxy missed you,” my aunt says as she sits down next to me. “We both have missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too. So my mom came here last night I assume?”

My aunt laughs a little. “Yeah, she did. She came barging in, drunk. Apparently she had a friend walk with her here.”

I raise an eyebrow. “A friend?”

“Yes. I hate to say it, but Miranda said things happened between the both of them.”

“Who was the guy?” I ask in surprise.

“Oh, it wasn’t a guy, dear. It was a woman.”

I stop petting the cat as I stare at my aunt. I try to register the information, but my mind turns blank.

I say, “Wait. Say that again.”

“I’m afraid you heard me right. Your mother slept with Lorraine. She’s a real estate agent, I think.”

“Yeah, she is. I’ve met her before. Isn’t she married, too?”

My question is answered with silence as Aunt Marcie nods. I laugh as I shake my head. Once dad catches wind of this, he’ll be sure to file for divorce.

She says, “Please don’t mention this to her. She’ll never forgive me for it.”

I shake my head. “I promise I won’t.”

Right on cue, the door to the bathroom opens and my mom steps out. She has a towel wrapped around her head as she walks out, adjusting the buckle on her pants.

“Why are you here?” she asks as she avoids my gaze.

“We sort of were worried about you, mom,” I say as I try my best to stay polite. “Dad wanted to know if you were over here.”

“Well, I am. Is there a crime in that?”

“No. But you could have at least told me where you were going. You’re acting like a damn child.”

“Do not speak to me like that!” my mother hisses.

I bite my lower lip as my aunt stands up and walks over to my mom. Jinxy meows and dashes to the kitchen.

She says, “He was worried about you, Miranda. You know how lucky you are for having a son like that? I wish my own son cared half as much as he does.”

I frown as I remember of Aunt Marcie’s son, William. I decided a long time ago that if I ever meet him, I’m going to punch him right in the face for being such a disgraceful bastard. After everything that Aunt Marcie has done for him, he ignores her completely and disregards her in his accomplishments. The asshole blames my aunt for the divorce, as if it were her own fault that his dad was caught cheating with the secretary. There’s a reason I avoid him at all costs at family gatherings.

To my surprise, my mom sighs. “You’re right, Marcie. I’ve just been having a bad week. I’m sorry, Bradley. Will you forgive me?”

I smirk as I shake my head. “Don’t worry about it. I don’t take it personally.”

Mom sighs as she takes off the towel from her head. “I really need to speak with Nick. I don’t think I can stay at the house anymore.”

“What?” me and Aunt Marcie ask in unison.

“I’m afraid there’s no other solution to this. Nick and I keep fighting, and I’m tired of it. It feels like we’re in high school again, fighting over the silliest things.”

“So you’re just going give up?” I ask as I stare at her.

My mom blinks as she says, “Well, I wouldn’t consider it giving up. I just need some time to think things through.”

“Whatever,” I say as I stand up. “I’m sorry Aunt Marcie, but I should go.. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Where are you going?” my mom asks as I start heading out.

“Going home before I say something I regret,” I say before I open the door and step out.

I get to the car and curse vehemently. I punch the steering wheel before I take the cell phone and dial my dad’s number. Knowing he’s at work, I wait patiently before he picks up.

“Hello?” he asks as I start the car.

“Hey. She’s there. I just wanted to let you know.”

My dad pauses for a moment before he says, “You okay? You sound upset.”

“I’m not. I just wanted to let you know that she’s here. I have to go now. Bye.”

I hang up the phone before anything else is said. I speed out of the driveway, not caring if I crash into another car. Luckily no one is in the street. I press the gas pedal until I’m going at forty, not stopping at the stop sign once I check for traffic. I keep expecting to see the flashing sirens in the rearview mirror, but I manage to make it home without a speeding ticket again. God must love me because that seems like the hundredth time this week that I get away with it.

It comes as no surprise that mom cheated on dad. I’ve always had the suspicion that mom wasn’t in love with dad anymore, but this just finalizes my hunch. For some reason it still shocks me, though. My parents have been together for twenty years. They’ve had their share of fights like other couples, but recently they’ve been fighting about the most inane things. It doesn’t help that they’ve both turned into alcoholics this past year. Everything happened so fast. One second they seemed so content, and the next they started hating each other to the core. Upset, I slam the door shut and close the garage door. Once I get to the living room, I take out the cell phone and speed dial Kendra.

“Hey,” she says after three rings. “What’s up?”

“My mom being a whore. That’s what’s up.”

“Oh my god. What happened?”

“Everything, apparently,” I say as I sit down on the couch. “My aunt said my mom slept with a woman last night. Mom didn’t mention it of course, but my aunt would never lie about something like that.”

“Shit,” Kendra says. “I can’t believe that.”

“I know. I mean, damn. I knew she disliked my dad, but I didn’t know she hated him that much. It just pisses me off, you know? Next thing you know they’re gonna get a divorce. What really pissed me off was what she said before I left, though. She said she’s not staying at the house anymore. I can’t believe this.”

“Wow. I’m so sorry, Bradley. You must be so upset.”

I sigh, trying to calm down. “I am. I don’t know why I’m so fucking upset, but I am.”

“That’s because you care for them, babe. You love them. They’re your parents.”

“Yeah, but still. They need to grow the fuck up.”
Kendra says,“I know babe. You wanna do some drinking now? It sounds like you could use some booze.”

“Nah, it’s all right. It’s almost time for me to meet up with Emily, anyway.”

“What are you talking about? It’s like three o’clock. You have three hours.”

“I don’t wanna meet up with her drunk. That’d be rude.”

“Well, all right. I wish you could be here with us.”

“Us?” I ask in confusion.

“Yeah. I’m with Jon,” she says cheerily. “Jon said you could kill a couple of beers with us.”

“Maybe some other time,” I say without enthusiasm. “Anyway, I’ll let you go now. I’ll talk to you later.”

“All right. Call me later. Bye.”

I hang up the phone and sigh. I take a look at the time. It’s 2:54. I have about three hours before I have to meet up with Emily. Feeling tired, I decide on a nap. I set the alarm on my cell phone to go off at five. Closing my eyes, I don’t think of anything as I start to let sleep take over. I’m starting to fall asleep when I suddenly hear the doorbell ring. I groan as I get up from the coach and walk to the door. I open it and almost curse when I see Jacob standing in the doorway with his arms crossed. Even though I want to say a lot right now, I hold back and wait for him to speak.

“Jillian wants her CD’s back,” he says.

For a second I don’t know what to say. Even if Jillian is going out with Jacob now, at least he could have some proper manners.

“Well, you gonna get them or what?” he asks.

“Which CD’s? Cuz last time I checked I gave her all the CD’s back.”

“Oh. Right. Hold on, I remember them…Damien Rice, Sia, and Poe.”

I try not to cringe as I let his words sink in. Jillian had given me those as a birthday present. I wasn’t aware that you were supposed to give presents back.

“Give me a second,” I say as I turn around. “I’ll be right back with them.”

I head straight to my room and get the CD’s. I try not to think too much as I walk back to him with the albums.

“Here,” I say as I hand them back to him.

“Thanks, man. Appreciate it.”

Without another word, he turns around and walks away. I watch as he gets into his green Jeep and speeds away. I stare at Jillian in the passenger seat as the Jeep disappears.

“Make yourself at home,” Emily says. “I have some Sprite in the fridge and I just made some Ramen noodles.”

“I just ate, babe. I’m fine.”

“You’re welcome to sit. I can turn the TV on if you want.”

“No TV. I’m here for you. What happened?”

She sighs and says, “Here, let’s sit down.”

I nod and sit down on the black leather couch. Looking around the living room, I find myself liking it. Family portraits adorn the walls and the large window has a dark red curtain over it.  Emily sits down next to me and looks down at the ground as she starts to talk.

“Sorry I got you all worried. I don’t feel the tightness in my chest anymore, but I still kinda want to cut.”

“You’ve cut before?” I immediately ask.

“Yeah, but it was awhile ago. It used to be a big problem for me, actually. I had it under control until recently…”

“What happened to change that?”

Emily hesitates before she says, “I started thinking about Oliver again.”

“Oliver? Isn’t he your ex?”

“Yeah. He called me again two days ago. It was bad.”

“What happened?” I ask.

“He basically said he wanted me back.”

“That’s it?”

“I wish. He said was going to blow his brains out cuz he couldn’t live without me.”

Well damn. “You know people bluff, though. He was probably exaggerating.”

Emily sighs. “I haven’t heard from him yet. He used to text me at least once a day. What if he wasn’t bluffing?”

I frown. “Unless he had a knife against his neck, I wouldn’t trust anything he said. Isn’t he emo, anyway?”

Emily’s face lights up as she says, “Look who’s talking.”

I stare at her, confused. She starts laughing as she runs a finger down my arm.

She says, “You are too cute, you know that? I know you don’t like labels, but you kind of pigeon hole yourself.”

Emily giggles as I look down at myself. Okay, I can see where she’s coming from. With the Fox riders shirt and the skinny jeans I’m wearing, I can see why she says that.

“But I like these clothes,” I say. “I hate clothes that are loose.”

“I’m not complaining, babe.” She sighs and says, “But yeah. Maybe you’re right. Maybe Oliver is just exaggerating.”

I nod. “It’s most likely. Believe me. Anything else bothering you, though?”

With a frown, her gaze falls to the floor. She doesn’t say anything as she slips her hands underneath her long sleeved shirt.

I ask, “Do your parents know that you cut?”

She shakes her head. “I tried telling them last week, but I completely chickened out. I’m a loser, I know. It’s just so hard to stop.”

“I know it is. When was the last time you did it?”

Emily scowls. “Last night.”

“How bad is it?”

With a sigh, Emily pulls up her sleeves. The cuts are starting to scab, but they still look fresh. I run a hand over the cuts as she shakes her head.

“I feel like such an idiot,” she says. “There are people with real problems, yet I’m acting like I have such a horrid life.”

I shake my head. “It doesn’t work like that.”

I pull up my own sleeves, ready for the memories to attack me again. Out of all the times that I cut, the last time always jumps at me. Jillian had dumped me, and I wasn’t strong enough to resist the temptation.

“Here,” I say. “I’m not lying when I say I used to do it, too. You’re not alone.”

“They’re deep,” Emily says as she runs her small fingers over the faded scars.

“Yeah, I know. I’m not ready to talk about what happened, but I’ll tell you the story one day.”

She shakes her head. “You don’t have to. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“You don’t. Just try not to feel like such a freak, okay? We all have problems. Sometimes we just get overwhelmed.”

Emily smiles. “You’re right. I’m already starting to feel better.”

“Good,” I say and chuckle. “Besides, you’re too pretty to be hung up on some guy who doesn’t deserve you.”

She blushes. I take a glance at the time. It’s not that late, but I know that Emily has work tomorrow so I start getting up.

“I should get going. You have work tomorrow,” I say.

“That I do. Am I still seeing you later?”

“Of course. I thought we still were?”

Emily nods. “I’ll call you when I’m out of work.”

“Sounds good. I’ll have my cell on all night, so you can call whenever.”

“Thank you so much. You’re the best, Bradley.”

She stands up to hug me real tight. After a couple of seconds, she lets go and walks with me to the door. I wave at her as I leave, making sure to smile. I quickly make my way to the car and go home, ready to pass out. When I reach my driveway, though, I see another car there. The black Cadillac that’s in my driveway belongs to my mother. I try to not to groan too much as I walk into the house, ready for more of her bitching.

“Thank God that you’re here,” she says as I walk into the living room. “I was starting to wonder where you were.”

“Mom. Why are you here?”

“Your father kicked me out. Can you imagine that man? The nerve of him. You know, I was the one to buy the house.”

“The both of you say that. How did you get in here?”

Mom laughs as she lights a cigarette. “You’re turning into your father. I have a set of your keys, remember? You’re ending up with a horrid memory like him, too.”

I just stand there, at a loss for words as my mom continues to blabber about nothing. Feeling impatient, I decide to turn on the television in the hopes that she will get the hint. She doesn’t. I throw the remote to the floor and go to my room, making sure to slam the door. I expect my mom to start knocking, but she doesn’t. With a sense of guilt, I fall back on the bed and stare at the same dismal ceiling that I’ve been staring at for the past year. Jillian should be here instead of my mother.

Suddenly, the door opens. My mom stands there with a blank look as she stares at me.

“I can see why Jillian left you. You’re ugly inside, son,” she says.

I just stare at her as she closes the door and walks away. Even though I know I should have let her stay the night, I really am glad when I hear the front door slam shut. I watch her leave from my window. For all I know she’s crying and about to have a mental breakdown. Hopefully that won’t happen, but unfortunately I know better.

Lying back on the bed, I let go of all my thoughts and let sleep take me. I don’t even bother to get underneath the covers.
**********

The sun is shining bright by the time I wake up. A glance at the clock tells me that it’s almost one. Stretching, I yawn as I remember of last night. Kendra hooked up with Jon and I found out Emily isn’t a freak. I also kicked my mom out. I try to feel bad, but it just doesn’t happen.

With a chuckle, I get off the bed and decide to take a quick shower. Most people seem to take showers that last longer than twenty minutes, but I only need ten. The moment I step out of the shower, the cell phone starts ringing. I check who’s calling and sigh once I realize that it’s Kendra.

“Hey Kends,” I say into the phone. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much. Bored. Wanna hang out today?”

“Sure. You can come over if you want. I have left over mac and cheese.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes,” she says.

“See ya,” I say and hang up the phone.

I put on my clothes and check the mirror as I stare at my reflection. A couple of months ago I would have had empty eyes and much paler skin. I was a walking corpse, dependent on drugs and cutting. If it wasn’t for Kendra, I probably would be six feet under right now. The thought sends a shiver through me.

It doesn’t take long for me to get ready. I put on some cologne, blow dry my hair, and brush my teeth. Kendra gets here as I’m rinsing my mouth. Once I’m done, I let her in and give her a tight hug.

“Glad to see you,” I say. “What’s up?”

“Not much. I’m kind of tired, actually.”

“Yeah. I can imagine. Jon must have really worked you out.”

Kendra punches me as I laugh. We sit down on the couch as I turn on the television. The Sopranos is on again. I whistle as Jamie-Lynn Sigler appears on screen.

Kendra laughs. “You know Emily’s better.”

“What? I can’t notice other beautiful women now?”

“I’m just playing with you. Jamie’s pretty, but I think Emily’s better.”

“Hm. They’re both hotties. And what exactly is going on with Jon? You dating him or something?”

She shakes her head and says, “We’re not dating, but I think we’re getting there.”

“Well, it’s your life. Do whatever makes you happy.”

“Why are you being so negative? Jon’s a complete sweetheart. You saw how he only had eyes for me last night?”

“That’s what I’m worried about.”

I sigh as I wait for a witty remark from Kendra, but to my surprise she stays silent. She puts a hand on my arm as she leans closer to me.

She says, “You’re not worried about me. Something’s wrong, right?”

I nod. “Emily called me last night. She was having a rough time so I went to her place for a bit. I made her feel a little better.”

“I’m not surprised. You’re really good at that, you know.”

“I’m nothing special.”

“You know you’re wrong,” she says as she leans back on the sofa. “What happened with your parents?”

I can’t help but groan. “You don’t even wanna know.”

“Was it that bad?”

“They were doing the usual bitching, so I left. After I came back from Emily’s, my mom was in my apartment. She pissed me off so I went into my room to be alone because I didn’t want to say something stupid, you know? So then she goes into my room and brings up Jillian to make me feel bad. After that she bolts out of here, and I haven’t heard from her since.”

“Damn. She just left on her own?”

“Yup. She’s probably back at the house. She always starts drama out of nothing.”

“I think your mom’s sweet. She can be a pain in the ass, but she’s nice.”

I sigh. “I know, but she really needs to lay off the alcohol. Both of my parents do. It’s like they didn’t even go to rehab at all. I mean, I went and I think I came out fine.”

“Bradley, you are a way different person than before. Way different. Don’t ever doubt that you’ve changed, okay?”

“I just don’t wanna relapse, Kendra. When I talked to Emily last night, I remember why it was so hard for me to quit. It’s not an easy thing to do. It takes every ounce of courage and strength that you have.”

Kendra smiles at me as my revelation is met with silence. Maybe I said something weird?

“You know,” she starts to say, “you really should think about writing. You’re really good with words.”

Thinking about her suggestion, I find myself agreeing. I’m no Pablo Neruda, but I do find more comfort in writing than in conversations. It comes as no surprise since rumor has it that my father back in the day wanted to be a poet. The story goes that he wanted nothing more than to be a writer, but that dream got shattered when my grandpa forced him into Harvard. After that he left the world of writing and got immersed in the hell that is law.

“Brad? You still with me?” Kendra asks as she pokes my shoulder.

“Spaced out for a second, sorry. I’m taking your advice. I think it will be good for me.”

“Mhm. I’ve been writing a lot lately and it helps so much. It feels so good to let this shit off your chest.”

We continue watching The Sopranos until I hear my stomach rumbling. Kendra stares at me oddly.

I say, “I’m going to get some food. You want some mac and cheese?”

Kendra nods. “Sure. I’d love some.”

“I’ll be right back.”

I go into the kitchen and take out two bowls for the both of us. After filling the bowls up, I go back into the living room and hand one to Kendra. She grins as she receives the food.

“You make really good mac and cheese,” she says.

I sit down and take a quick bite of the food. It tastes better than it did yesterday.

I say, “I just make it out of the box. Anyone can do it.”

“My mom uses the box, too. It comes out different than yours. Yours is yummier.”

I roll my eyes. “Whatever you say.”

“I’m still not sure why you have such a grudge against Jon.”

I try not to scowl. “Were you deaf last night? Do you not remember me saying that he owes me money? About what he did the other night?”

Kendra looks down at the floor as she stays quiet. I realize that I was too harsh with my words, so I set down the bowl of macaroni and set my attention on her.

“Look,” I start to say. “I’m not gonna stop you from dating him. I’m not your dad or anything. I’m just trying to look out for you. Okay? I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”

Kendra shakes her head. “It’s okay. I understand.”

She smiles at me, and I relax again. We start to eat again as we watch The Sopranos in silence.

I keep expecting for Jon and Kendra to disappear, but it doesn’t happen.

I end up talking with Emily about pretty much everything. Global warming. Drugs. Abortion. Religion. Fast cars. Anything and everything. We end up chatting for about an hour, and the entire time I have one eye on Kendra and the other on Emily. I might be paranoid, but it serves a good purpose. I don’t trust guys.

“So what are you doing tomorrow?” Emily asks as she leans closer to me.

“Nothing. You had something in mind?”

Her blue green eyes seem to light up as she tosses back her hair and smiles. “I was just wondering if you wanted to come over my house and watch a movie with me. It doesn’t have to be a date or anything. We can just chill.”

I nod, liking the idea. “Sounds good. What time were you thinking?”

“Like six. Is that okay for you?”

“Yup. Sounds good. Have you ever seen this movie?”

Emily looks at the screen and shakes her head. “Never seen it. What’s it called?”

“The Virgin Suicides. It’s a great movie. I wouldn’t watch it if you hate sad movies, though. It will upset you.”

Emily shakes her head. “My favorites are usually sad. But I find that they are realistic. People miss that point.” She glances at her watch and sighs. “Well, I have to get going. I have to wake up at eight tomorrow for work. Call me when you’re coming over.”

“Will do.”

Emily hugs me and kisses me on the cheek. It surprises me, but I don’t show it. She walks away and waves back at me as she leaves. I wave back. Making my way to Kendra and Jon, I decide that it’s time to go home.

I tap Kendra’s shoulder and she turns around, sporting a flashy grin.

“It’s time to go?” she asks.

I nod. Kendra hugs Jon tightly before she starts walking with me toward the door. Kendra pinches me and I give her an odd look.

She says, “I saw you and Emily. You seemed happy to be talking to her.”

I laugh. “Yeah, it was all right. She isn’t so bad like I thought.

“I bet she was having a bad day when she annoyed you.”

“PMS.”

Kendra punches my shoulder lightly, making me laugh. Once we’re out of Jon’s house and in my car, I think about asking her about Jon, but I stop myself from doing it. She’s just going to ignore anything I say. Surprisingly the rain has stopped, but everything’s still soaked.

“Can we go to Mickey D’s? I’m starving,” she asks.

“Sure.”

I start making my way to McDonald’s when my cell phone starts to ring. I pick it up and notice that it’s my mom calling.

“Hey, could you answer that for me? Tell her I’m driving.”

“Sure.”

She takes the phone and answers it.

“Hello Mrs. Lawson, Bradley’s driving right now. He told me to answer.”

A couple of moments pass before Kendra nods and answers back.

“Okay, I’ll tell him.”

“What happened?” I ask as she puts the cell phone down.

Kendra sighs. “You have to get home, Brad.”

“I thought you wanted food?”

“No, I meant your old home. Your parents want to see you.”

“Oh. Well damn.”

“You can drop me off if you want,” she says with a shrug. “I’m not that hungry anyway. Besides, your mom sounded really upset.”

“Fantastic,” I mutter as I start making a three point turn. “Another brawl, no doubt.”

“You don’t think that they’re…”

“Yes, they are.”

Apparently rehab isn’t working for my parents. They just keep going back to the bottle every other week. My mom prefers Captain Morgan while my dad swears by Jack.

I can see how I came out so fucked up.

I drop Kendra off at her house and unwillingly go to my parents’ house. It isn’t really a house so much as a mansion. It’s the most expensive piece of real estate in Westchester county. Or at least my dad claims so.

The drive to their place is short. I pull up into their driveway and park the car, ready for another night of hysteria and confusion.

I’m taking out the key to the house when suddenly the door slams open and my mom comes rushing out in a bright red silk robe. I stop walking as my dad follows right after her, hollering and swinging his hands up in the air.

I fight the urge to cringe.

“What the fuck are you doing Miranda? Showing yourself off to the world!” my dad screams.

“Ignore him, honey,” my mom says as she tries to hug me. “He’s being an ass.”

“Mom. Why’d you call me?” I ask.

“Can’t you see why I called you? Your father is harassing me once again.”

“I am not!" my dad yells. "I’m sick of your tirades, woman. Now get back into this house before I kick you out already!”

“Then do it!!” my mom screams.

I take the opportunity to dash into my car and speed out of the driveway. I don’t think about it as I drive straight to my house, ignoring the thoughts that are flooding my mind. I shouldn’t have left like that, but they did the same stunt last night. It’s getting old and monotonous. It also serves no purpose.

After parking the car in the garage, my mom calls me again. I ignore her call, but when she starts calling for the second time, I decide to answer it.

“What is it, mom?”

“I just wanted to tell you that your father is piss ass drunk again and that he’s kicking me out of the house!”

“He said the same last night. Mom, unless there’s an emergency, don’t call me.”

I hang up the phone. Expecting her to call again, I turn off the phone and lay on the couch as I turn on the television. Once again, nothing good is on so I turn it off and decide to make some macaroni and cheese, my favorite. I basically live on mac and cheese, yet I still manage to be underweight. I’ve tried changing my weight many times before, but it never works out.

I pass the time waiting for the water to boil by reading some Pablo Neruda. I’m surprised how few Americans know him. He’s pretty much South America’s Robert Frost. His poetry is stunning in its simplicity and details. He takes the beach, for example, and turns into a story of sorrow and longing. There are few writers that can do that in my eyes.

Once the water is boiled, I make the macaroni and cheese and serve myself a heaping bowl of it. I eat it quickly, snickering as I remember of my parents’ performance tonight. I never know who starts the fights. I suspect it’s my mom, but I could be wrong. My dad does love to fight after all, but he never liked to argue with my mom. He always said that it was a waste of time. Apparently that changed. Whenever I go there, they’re fighting. They never tell me what’s wrong; they just attack each other. It’s a perfect example of why alcohol should be taken in moderation.

Done with the plate, I wash the dish and fork and then wash the pot. Feeling tired, I head to my room and take off my Converse to lie on the bed. My eyes immediately dart to the frame on the wall. I still haven’t taken it down. I just haven’t found the strength to do it yet. It’s a picture of Jillian and me at Six Flags. It used to be our favorite picture. Jillian looked stunning with her hair tied up and sporting her bikini. I didn’t look that great, but Jillian always said otherwise. We’re both kissing in it, and we weren’t aware that our picture was being taken. Staring at the photo, I can tell that we were really happy that day. It had been our one year anniversary, before everything went to fucking hell.

It’s so easy to fall in love. I wonder why it’s so hard to get out of it.

I sit up and I’m about to take down the frame, but I stop myself. Just like every other night, I’m not able to do it.

With a groan, I fall back on the bed and turn on my phone. Sure enough, my mom called me again. She also was kind enough to leave a voicemail. I also have a missed call from Emily. Apparently she called me like ten minutes ago. I wait for her to pick up as I call her back.

“Hello?” she answers the phone with a slight edge to her voice.

“Hey, it’s Bradley. I noticed you called. What’s up?”

“Um, hey. I’m sorta freaking out I guess. My chest is feeling tight.”

Shit. “What’s stressing you out?”

“Nothing really. I just started panicking all of a sudden and I can’t calm down.”

I close my eyes as I remember my own panic attacks in the past. It always felt like I was going to die any second.

I ask, “Have you ever had a panic attack before?”

“I don’t think so. I’m having a panic attack? Oh God, I’m such a freak.”

She starts to sob and I frown as I figure out the best way to help her.

I say, “I’m coming to you, okay?”

“But it’s late. I don’t wanna bother you.”

“I don’t care. It’s better if you’re with someone right now.”

“Yeah, cuz I really want to…”

I wait for her to finish that sentence, but she doesn’t end it.

“Want to what?” I ask.

Emily moans. “You’ll never want to talk to me again.”

“Try it.”

“Cutting,” she whispers.

I exhale as I run a hand over the scars on my wrist. “I’ll help you out. Just try to wait for me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“You still live at First Street?”

“Yup. You remember where that is?” she asks.

“Mhm. See you in like five minutes.”

“I’ll be waiting by the door.”

I hang up the phone and put my shoes back on. After making sure I have my wallet in my pocket, I take my keys and head downstairs. I get to Emily’s in literally three minutes, not really caring if I get pulled over by the cops. My dad’s a lawyer and gets shit settled quickly in a day’s time. I’ve never gotten busted before, but I’ve seen the work that he’s done so far. He might as well be Satan.

I pull into Emily’s driveway and make my way out of the car as it starts raining again. Like she said, she’s waiting on the front porch, watching me with a weary expression. I rush to her porch and give her a tight hug before she leads me into her house.

“I am so fucking tired of this shit.”

“Mhm.”

“It’s just so…fucking…lame,” Kendra says.

“Agreed. Where’s the rum?”

“I thought you had it?”

We both stare at each other as we come to the conclusion that neither of us has the alcohol. Kendra starts to whimper and I pat her shoulder.

“It’s okay,” I say. “There’s always next time.”

“Next time? Yeah, next month. Look, I’m a simple kind of girl. Give me my booze and my pills, and I’m set.”

I peer at her from my peripheral and say, “You don’t do pills, sweetie.”

She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, you’re the one who doesn’t do them. You’re missing out.”

“I would know if you were on something.”

Kendra snorts. “What are you now, my father?”

“More like your best friend. My dad just gave me another check this weekend.”

“Seriously?” Kendra’s eyes light up. “Sweet! We heading to Jon’s, then?”

“Jon, hmm,” I say as I suppress a groan. “He still owes me a hundred.”

“You don’t like him.”

“What? That’s not true.”

I look at Kendra as she stares back at me inquisitively. Not knowing exactly what to say, I sift through my thoughts and try not to think about Jon in a negative aspect. This becomes an impossible task once I remember last night. Kendra wasn’t there, and it was for the best.

“You're holding something from me, aren't you?" Kendra asks as she grabs hold of my arm.

"It's nothing. So you're still going out with that girl?"

"Jade? No. We broke up last night."

"What happened?"

"Nothing. I'd rather not talk about it."

"Shit, I'm sorry. I won't bring it up, okay?"

Kendra tightens the grip on my arm and puts her head on my shoulder. Knowing that she's upset, I start to stand up and bring her with me. She's hiding her face with her hair, which means that she's about to cry.

"Let's head home," I say. "It looks like it's going to rain."

Kendra nods as we both gaze at the horizon. The storm looks like it's going to start any second. We both get up and start heading toward my apartment, which is only two blocks away from the river. She stills holds onto my arm as we walk, but she has a smile that’s telling me that she’s starting to cheer up.

“So,” she starts to say. “How are things with the special lady?”

“Special lady? Who are you talking about? My mother?”

Kendra punches my arm lightly. I grin at her in amusement.

“So nothing’s going on with Emily?”

“Oh, Emily…” I tilt my head back and laugh. “She’s a sweetheart, but she confuses the hell out of me.”

“Confuses you? The girl is fucking hot! She practically drools over you every time she’s near you.”

“I don’t know…the girl has problems.”

Kendra lets go of my arm suddenly and stops walking. I stop and stare at her as she shakes her head and crosses her arms.

“There’s always something wrong with them, isn’t there?”

I stay silent for a couple of seconds before I say, “I don’t understand.”

“You know what I’m talking about, Bradley. That stupid shit you pull off whenever a new girl comes into your life. I mean, shit…” She pauses and says, “I’m sorry. It’s just…you’re so goddamn picky. Everyone has problems, you know?”

I nod as we continue to walk again. Kendra has a point. I’m always extremely judgmental with people, especially when it comes to the opposite sex.

“No, you’re right. I’m the one who has the issues,” I say as I continue walking.

“No! That’s not…”

“Let’s just go home.”

We walk in silence for the rest of the way. Once we get to my apartment, I lay on the sofa as Kendra sits next to me, lighting a cigarette. Surfing through the channels proves that nothing good is on, as usual.

She says, “You know that’s not what I meant back there.”

“I know.”

“So why are you being all weird about it?”

“I’m not.”

An awkward silence settles as Kendra moves closer to me. Pretending to pay attention to the television, I finally leave it on the Sopranos.

“I love this show,” Kendra says.

“So do I. I don’t want to sound like a prick, but why are you so close to me all of a sudden?”

“I’ll move away, sorry.”

I shake my head. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Kendra chuckles, and I look at her oddly.

She says, “We’re doing good with communicating today, aren’t we?”

I shrug. “Everyone has their days.”

The rain starts after I say that. A flash of lightning illuminates the room, followed by thunder that forces a shriek from Kendra. I try not to laugh and she punches me on the shoulder kind of hard.

“It’s not funny, you know.”

“I think it’s hilarious, actually. I mean look at you. You look like the toughest girl in this town, yet you’re afraid of thunder.”

I’m not bluffing, either. Kendra stands out in our upscale town for her eclectic clothing, which is often made by herself. She usually sports vinyl pants and fishnet tops, topped with black eyeliner and black lipstick. Today she has on a lacy black shirt and black leather pants with platform boots. Her hair is loose and she has no make-up on today. She looks beautiful without make up, which is what I tell her all the time.

“At least I’m not afraid of turkeys.” She sticks out her tongue at me.

“Don’t go there,” I say as I try not to laugh.

“I’m bored!” she says as she stands up. “Can we go somewhere?”

“Be my guest. Have fun getting drenched out there.”

“Oh, come on…you used to be so much fun. Remember those times?”

“I was also completely stupid.”

“Bradley…” Kendra pulls my arm.

I look up at her, and she looks back at me. Sighing, I turn off the television and take out the keys. Kendra literally jumps with joy, hugging me so tightly that she almost pushes me over.

“Where are we going?” she asks.

“Your lover’s house.”

“But I don’t go out with her anymore.”

“Jon’s place,” I say.

“Jon’s? But I thought you didn’t wanna go there.”

“I don’t like him, but he has plenty of booze to share.”

Kendra chuckles. “I like your thinking.”

“Why do you like him so much, anyway?” I ask her as we walk down the stairs to my garage. “The guy’s a dick.”

Kendra shrugs. “I know most people think that, but he can be a real sweetie. He’s nice to me, at least when we hung out.”

I snort. “Guys are nice for only one reason.”

“Jealous much?”

I shake my head. “Whatever you say, kid.”

I open the garage door and unlock the car as I try not to remember about last night again. For the moment I’m choosing to ignore it, but it’s only a matter of time before it comes creeping back. The thing is, I used to like Jon, too.

I just hope he doesn’t piss me off tonight.

We get into the black Mustang and I start the car, making sure to turn on the lights and wipers. I open the garage door and we make our way to Jon’s. The rain is falling down pretty hard, but I manage to speed the Mustang all the way to Jon’s place, forcing Kendra to giggle like a little girl. I park the car in front of Jon’s house and put my hood on. Kendra does the same, and the both of us dash to Jon’s porch. Kendra rings the doorbell and a couple of seconds pass before someone answers the door. A tall, skinny Asian guy peers at us from behind the door, and I’m about to say something when he’s suddenly pulled back and Jon appears before us.

“Well holy shit! It’s my two favorite people in the world. Get inside before all the drugs and alcohol are gone.”

I’m about to say ‘fuck drugs’ when Kendra suddenly plasters her lips onto Jon’s mouth. I stand there, half mesmerized and half shocked at the spectacle. It only lasts for a couple of seconds before Kendra takes my hand and pulls me into the party. The look on Jon’s face is priceless. He’s staring off into space with a dazed expression.

I say, “Well that was random.”

“Not really. I’ve wanted to do that for awhile now,” Kendra says and chuckles.

I look around at the party and frown as I remember of the person I used to be. A couple of months ago I would have been in the corner of this room, snorting some blow. I would have followed it with shots of whiskey and a make out session with a complete stranger. Sometimes I think those times weren’t real, but the memory of Jillian reminds me otherwise.

Jillian. I wonder where she is, and what she’s doing right now. Is she thinking of me? Do I ever cross her mind?

A tap on the shoulder brings me back to the present as Kendra leads me to the kitchen. She takes two beers from the fridge and hands one to me. I stare at her as she pops open the can and starts to drink.

“So,” I say as I set the can on the table. “What was that about?”

Kendra sets the can down and smiles.

“Aren’t I allowed to have some fun?”

“Yeah, but…”

I stop myself before I go on any further. Would she even believe me if I told her about last night? How I saw Jon dope up those two sweet girls just to have a three way?

I’m thinking it’s a no, but I decide to tell her anyway.

“Look, last night I was here,” I say. “Let’s say I saw yours truly being a complete pig.”

Kendra sighs and sits down one of the chairs. “Just say it already.”

“Say what?”

“You’re jealous, Bradley. Just admit it.”

I try to keep the frustration out of my voice. “No, I’m not. I’m just being a friend here. I saw Jon last night get these two girls completely high just to have a threeway with them.”

“I don’t believe you.”

I knew she was going to say that. Annoyed, I take the can of beer on the table and storm out of the kitchen. I don’t know anyone in this party other than Jon and Kendra, but that’s about to change. Spotting an empty couch, I walk over to it and sit down as I start watching the movie that no one’s watching. I also can’t hear it, but it doesn’t matter because it’s one of my favorite movies: The Virgin Suicides. It’s such a beautiful movie, even with its dark plot.

Someone sits next to me and I’m about to introduce myself when I notice that it’s Emily.

“Oh shit. What are you doing here?” I ask in surprise.

“It’s nice to see you, too! Jon invited me. It was a sort of last minute thing since I was out of town for the weekend.”

“Oh. Where did you go?”

I take the moment to check her out. She looks really cute today. She has her hair straightened and has on some ruby red lipstick. Sporting a small black dress, she looks like a model.

She says, “New York City. It was a lot of fun! Next time you should join me.”

“I definitely will. Who did you go with?”

“I just went by myself.” Emily shrugs. “I needed some time alone.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. I guess…”

I narrow my eyes at her and she laughs. While I’m staring at her I remember why I’ve been avoiding her. She reminds me of Jillian. Emily’s face is similar to Jillian’s and their personalities are almost identical.

“I’m always here if you need to talk,” I say. “So what did you in the city?”

“Nothing. Just took pictures of Central Park and shit. Are you gonna drink that?”

“Huh? Oh, the Budweiser? You can have it if you want.”

I hand it to her and she smiles in return. “Thanks. You’re such a gentleman.”

I shrug. “I can be at times.”

“You looked kinda pissed when I spotted you here. Something wrong?”

“Yeah, but it’s whatever. Kendra is starting to like Jon.”

Emily takes a drink of the Bud and then groans. “What the hell is she seeing in him?”

“Charm? Anyway, she made out with him when we got here. It was weird, to say the least. I tried telling her that he’s a slut, but she didn’t want to listen.”

Emily nods. “I’ve heard lots about him. Not nice things.”

I’m about to ask what she’s heard when I catch Jon and Kendra leaning close to each other in the hallway. Kendra has a grin on her face as Jon talks to her. She looks happy, but I know all too well that the happiness is temporary. How much longer until she realizes that she fucked up? He’ll take advantage of her and then come to me, crying and apologizing. Isn’t that how it always goes?

Sorry for the change of font, LJ decided to change it on me.
-Raven

Chapter 1       

 

            I wake up to the sound of my parents fighting again. Their voices are strained and high pitched as they exchange hateful words. It sounds wrong, but the fact is that I'm used to it. The tears are inevitable, yet they are a comfort compared to the screams that fill my parents’ room. I wipe the tears away and make my way outside. Hopefully they won't hear me passing by their room and I’ll avoid becoming part of the argument. That happened last time. I'd rather forget it, though.

My footsteps are quiet but swift as I walk down the hallway. I’m going to the woods and I won't be coming back for awhile.

I have to be careful in stepping out of the house, too. The door slams behind me when I let go of it. I close the door gently and quickly sprint to the patch of woods that’s right next to the  house. I cringe as I realize that I can still hear my parents fighting. Despite this, I hurry to the woods and don't slow down until my house and the street aren't visible. I collapse on the ground and close my eyes. Silence envelops me at once.

"Gary? Are you okay?"

I open my eyes to see a confused Lee staring down at me. I smile and sit up from the ground. He's adorable even when he's confused.

I say, "I'm doing okay. I just woke up to my parents fighting again."

"Again? They never stop, do they? I wish they had sex that many times instead of fights."

I laugh at Lee’s joke as he sits down next to me.

"I thought you were grounded?" he asks.

"I am. That's why I have to sneak out whenever they fight. It's the perfect opportunity. They're too caught up in their drama to even notice I’m gone.”

"I just can't believe they're so upset over this. It's not like you're a freak. Being gay is a normal aspect of life."

"My mom knows that. It's my dad who's in denial. He just can't accept that his only son is going to end up with another man," I say as I shake my head. “He’s probably thinking he won’t be a grandfather, either.”

"Well, hey…that's why they have adoption now."

Lee grins and I just stare at him in amusement. He's always trying to cheer me up at any expense. No one else in my life is as supportive as him. My dad used to be supportive, but that was before I told him that I was gay. Now my parents fight constantly because my dad claims that my mom is supporting my homosexuality, therefore making sure that I have a place in hell.

"You really are worried, aren't you?" Lee asks.

I look away from him and stare at the ground covered with fallen leaves and branches. "Yes. I can't stop thinking about it. Maybe I should just go back to pretending I'm straight."

"You know how I feel about that," he says. "Being untrue to yourself is probably the worst thing you can do. At least in my eyes it is."

I chuckle and say, "You do realize that it's harder for me, right?"

"Of course I do, Gary. I'm lucky that my parents support me still. They never questioned my sexuality as being wrong or sinful. I wish it were the same for you, but I can't change your dad and you know that. I never forget our differences. Even if it seems like I’ve forgotten about them, I haven’t."

I blush as I say, "You're awesome, Lee. Don't forget that, either."

He grins and lays his head on my shoulder. "It's what friends are for."

I sigh and say, "I just can't believe I've let this bother me so much. I'm not eating that much now and because of that I keep losing weight. It's been weeks since I've had a day with a regular appetite. My parents haven't noticed, but they probably will soon. My dad will have a fit and my mom will blame herself. Just watch.”

"Your body is probably sick of all the stress and drama. People forget that the brain is part of the body. You know this, but I can't say the same with the others."

"I just wish they could stop fighting. If my dad really doesn't like me being gay, then I could just leave. My mom isn't letting me, though, so we're getting nowhere. They both say such stupid things sometimes."

"Like what?" Lee asks.

"My dad thinks that since my mom is defending me that she must be bisexual herself. My mom threatens to leave him at any moment. They just keep attacking each other, and it isn't helping at all. I can feel the tension growing as the days pass. Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it."

"No, it isn't," Lee says. "It will get better soon. Promise."

"I hope you're right. You're older than me, so you've been through more than me."

"Not necessarily…" Lee brings his head up from my shoulder. "I'm only three years older than you and we've gone through the same experiences for the most part. If anyone has gone through more undeserved bullshit, it's you."

"It's not that bad. It's more annoying than anything, really."

"You don't give yourself enough credit," he says. "Most of the kids I know wouldn't know what to do in your place. They would run away and never look back."

"That's what I want to do, but…" I scowl. "Just because I want to do something doesn't mean it's right. Running away sounds like a good idea, though. I can’t deny that."

"Do your parents even know about me?"

I laugh and say, "Of course they know about you. Well, at least my mom does. I don't have any other friends but you. She knows this."

"Hmm…so your dad doesn’t know about me?"

"You’ve never met him. You wanna change that?”

"Hah! You’re funny. Wait, are you hungry? We could go to my house and I could fix you some breakfast. It's still pretty early."

"I didn't even look at the time. I'm not really that hungry, though. Thanks, anyway."

"You know I have to feed you now that you're barely eating. What kind of friend do you think I am?"

I laugh and rest my head against the ground again. It feels nice to have the moist earth beneath me and to be staring up at the sky behind the outstretched trees. The clouds are

moving quickly across the sky, as if they have somewhere important to go. If only I could tell him...

"Are you sure about that breakfast? Going once, going twice…"

I shake my head in response as I stare at him. I wonder if he has ever thought of me romantically. Every night I imagine the both of us intertwined in a kiss, an image that is fed from the growing lust. I bite my lip in contemplation. Anyone else would have had the guts to ask him out already. I'm not one of those people, unfortunately.

"It's going to rain soon," he says with his arms outstretched.

"But it just rained last night. And you look like Jesus."

"I am the way, my children. Follow me and you shall have eternal life."

"You're telling people to be gay in order to be saved?"

Lee falls on the ground and begins to laugh. His laughter shatters the silence, but I don't mind it at all. His voice is comforting. He doesn't know how amazing he is.

"Your own…personal…Jesus…" he sings. "Someone to hear your prayers…someone who cares."

"That one’s good, but Enjoy The Silence is a way better song."

Lee’s jaw drops. He tackles me without warning, sending me to the ground. We begin to wrestle as I try not to laugh. I pretend to be into the play fighting, but I can't help notice how soft his skin feels. He bites my neck playfully, making me moan. Biting is one of my turn-ons, and it doesn't help that Lee is doing it.

"Oh my. Did I bite too hard?" he asks as he pulls away from me.

"I'm fine. You just surprised me is all," I say quickly. "Biting wakes me up."

"In other words, it turns you on."

            I try not to panic as I avoid his gaze. I don't want to see his expression. He's probably staring at me like I’m a freak.

"Well, I gotta head home now,” he says. “My parents promised that they would take me to the opera show in town. I'm assuming you don't want to go to that, either."

I look at him directly in the eyes and say, "I would love that."

Lee smiles and runs his fingers through his short brown hair.

"My dad would find out, though, and you know what he would say," I say as I roll my eyes.

"No getting sad." He leans over and kisses my forehead gently. "But you're coming with me next time. Your dad will just have to deal with it.”

I smirk and wave at him as he leaves. There's a part of me that wants to stop him and say that I only want him. No one compares to Lee.

Chapter2

 

I end up falling asleep in the woods for three hours. When I wake up, my first thought is that I have to get home. I can't hear any yelling once I am standing outside the door, so I assume that they’ve stopped.

I step into the house and walk towards my room. I have one foot into my bedroom when I am  pulled back. It's my father, of course. Who else could it be?

"Where were you, Gary?" he asks.

"I went to the mall with my friends."

"Your mother and I have been worried about you. What’s wrong with you?"

"Wrong with me? I just went to the mall to hang out with some friends, dad. Is that illegal?"

"You need our permission. Understood?"

"Dad, I'm eighteen years old," I say.

"What does that prove?"

I groan. It's obviously something I shouldn't do because my father grabs me by the shoulders and pushes me against the wall. The look on his face is one of pure hate and anger. I shove his hands off me and stumble to the side. He snickers in response.

"Your mother may accept you as gay, but I will never tolerate such blasphemy in my house. If I ever catch you with any of that crap in here, you're leaving. Understood?"

"Are you threatening me?" I ask in disbelief.

"I'm telling you the facts. Homosexuality is a sin. You should be ashamed of yourself."

He turns his back to me and walks to the living room. I quickly walk to my room and lock the door. I jump on the bed, grab my pillow, and scream into it as loud as I can. I don't know for how I long I scream, but by the time I'm done my throat is hoarse and I can feel my entire face flushed.

I can't believe my father. Before all of this bullshit happened, we used to play basketball and go out to the movies all the time. I shouldn’t have came out to them. Overwhelmed, I keep the pillow over my head for a sense of security.

I wish I could have gone to the opera with Lee. There was the chance of sneaking off with him, but I'm glad I didn't do it because my dad would have killed me, not to mention embarrass the hell out of me. He would want to talk to Lee and find out every detail about him to make sure that he isn't gay, too. Lee would fail the test miserably. Anyone who looks at him can immediately tell that he’s not straight. At first he comes off as bisexual, which changes once he starts talking. It would be hilarious to see my father's reaction if Lee ever set foot into the house. The image of a tall guy in a tight shirt and skinny jeans is sure to piss off James.

Sighing, I pull the pillow away from me and walk to my closet. I've made many jokes about this before, but I still love my closet. It's the only privacy that I have in the house. I slide in with a blanket and shut the closet door. My parents have never caught me in here.

Sleep envelops me within minutes. Immediately I start to dream. I am at the beach and the waves are crashing against the shore in a fury. There is an approaching storm in the horizon. The clouds are darkening in color and the wind is picking up. Someone wraps their arms around me as I stare at the ocean. I turn around and find myself starting directly into Lee's hazel eyes. He presses his lips against my own and kisses me with an urgency that makes me buckle. He pulls me closer to him so that I can feel his warm body rubbing against my own. Lust fuels my hands as they slip underneath his shirt and roam across his smooth skin. He feels so warm and soft to the touch. It makes me shiver.

Suddenly, I am pulled away from my dream and wake up the sound of my mother calling me. I am startled by the rude transition, but I manage to open the closet door and step out of my hiding spot. She sounds worried and upset.

"There you are. I was worried you fought with James."

"Nope. He said you two were looking for me."

"What? I wasn't looking for you. What are you now, a toddler? James is full of it."

I frown and stare at the floor. I would tell my mother of what James said and did to me, but I know they will fight again if tell her. I don't want any more friction between them, so I just avoid that topic altogether.

"I'm sorry mom. I just went out to the woods for a bit to relax. Where were you before?"

"That's all right. You can go wherever you want in town." She rolls her eyes. "I went out to buy some groceries. We were running out of milk and bread. I got barked at by James before I left the house for it. He’s driving me insane." She pauses and looks at me fondly. "Don't tell your father." She says as she opens her purse and takes out a fifty dollar bill. "You need money in case something happens."

"Mom, please. You don't need to."

"In case, Gary."

I accept the money and put it away in my pocket. Mom smiles and touches my shoulder lightly.

"James has his head in his ass. You're a wonderful son. I couldn't have asked for more."

I get out of the closet, ready to hug her when the door is slammed against the wall and my father walks in, vehemently staring at the both of us. My mom rolls her eyes, but I feel my body shake for a second.

"Is that so, Helena?" James says with a chuckle. "Do you really think that I'm ok with you saying that?"

"Like I said before, you're full of shit. It's the reason why you feel so shitty about our son."

"Our son?! This sinner may be your son, but he’s not mine. I am not gay!"

I stare at James as I curl up my hands into fists. I suddenly have had enough of this, so I decide to leave the house again. I am met with no confrontation as I leave the both of them behind. My mother begins to defend me with ferocious fervor, making it clear that she is disgusted beyond belief. I'm disgusted as well. My stomach can't take this stress anymore.

The air is colder than it felt before, but that doesn't stop me from running across the street and going towards Lee's house. I hope he's back from the opera show because I feel like I'm about to pass out. It doesn't take long for me to get to his house. I see the black BMW in the driveway, a sign that they're home. My sprint slows down to a nervous pace as I try to bring my

breath back to normal. Once I get to the door, I ring the doorbell and wait for a response. About five seconds later his mom, Mrs. Hennesy, opens the door to greet me.

"Hi, Gary! Lee's here if you're looking for him."

"Thank you." I manage a smile. "Can I go in to see him?"

"Of course!"

She steps to the side to let me in. I've only been in Lee's house once before, and that was when I came over to hear his ex-boyfriend's demo tape. I walk up the stairs to get to his bedroom and stand in the doorway. He's on the bed laying down, but he catches sight of me and immediately sits upright.

"Hey! What are you doing here?" he asks with a smile.

"I'm sorry to barge in on you like this. It's just…I really don't feel good right now."

"What's wrong?" he asks as he walks toward me. "You seem really upset."

"My dad doesn't consider me as his son anymore," I say through lips that don't feel like my own.

"What? Has the man gone insane? You look like you need a hug."

I take Lee's advice. It feels good to have affection, especially after all that negativity. Lee smells like Old Spice and cinnamon. It's an odd combination, but it's attractive to me. He starts rubbing my back, which makes the worry in my gut start to fade away. The fights, the denial, and the hatred all become background noise to me as I focus on him. I wish it could last forever. Being in his arms is the safest feeling I know. It may sound dumb, but it's the truth.

"Do you want something to drink? I can make you some tea," Lee says.

"Can I have something to eat? I can't remember the last time I had a full meal."

"That's not good. Come on, I'll fix you something."

He lets go of me to take my hand as he leads me down the stairs. We enter the kitchen and he immediately opens the refrigerator to take out some food. I sit down on the chair and try not to groan. Everything feels so heavy suddenly. Trying to concentrate is out of the question because every time I try to set my mind on something it makes me dizzier. I lower my head on the table and listen to Lee prepare the food for me. James' words keep popping up in my mind, but I try to ignore them as I start talking to Lee.

"So how was the opera?" I ask.

"It was really good, actually. All the performers were local and they kicked ass. My parents liked it, but I think I liked it even more. Kind of surprising, don't you think?"

"That's odd. I thought they were the ones who loved opera."

"I know! I guess they were just having a rough day. It's harder for them to enjoy things when they're under so much stress. It's true for everyone, though. I still worry for them sometimes."

"Why worry?" I ask.

"Because…well, I don't think they're going to be around for much longer. I just want them to take it easy, you know?"

"They're not that old."

"Yeah, they are. It doesn’t seem like it, but they're in their late sixties. I think they’re a little scared of me going off on my own."

"You're lucky that they care so much," I say, thinking of my father.

"You have your mom, don't you? She's awesome."

"I do," I say and smile.

Another minute passes before Lee walks over to me and sets a bowl of salad before me. I glance up at him and he looks away, avoiding my gaze.

"I'm sorry that I can't make anything fancy. I'm learning to cook, though. The classes are fun."

"It looks delicious," I say.

"Oh wait! I forgot the fork."

He runs over to the drawer where the silverware is kept and takes out a fork. I laugh as he hands it to me.

"I'm not royalty or anything."

"I like making sure my friends have a good time when they’re over my house," he says as he sits down across from me.

The salad does look delicious. I wasn't lying. It has romaine lettuce and sliced tomatoes with red peppers. It also has some shredded cheese and a couple of mushrooms. My stomach rumbles in anticipation as I begin to eat. Lee stares at me in amusement as I hastily eat the salad.

"Man… you really were starving."

"That was beyond good," I say once I’m done. "Thank you so much, Lee."

"Are you still hungry? I can ask my mom to make you something."

"Thanks, but I’m good with this."

"Cool. I'm glad you liked it."

I stare at Lee as he picks up the bowl and takes it to the sink. He doesn't think he's perfect, but to me he is ideal. It goes beyond the good looks and sense of humor. There is something about him that makes me smile, even as I think of James and the pointless drama. Lee makes me feel hope again. No one else can do this, no matter how hard they try. Yet with him it's so easy. I don't think it's just a coincidence. I've had crushes in the past, but they always come and go quickly. I've been friends with Lee for five years now. No one has ever stuck with me for that long.

Lee washes the bowl and the fork quickly and dries his hands with a paper towel. He then turns toward me with a fake smile.

"I'm sorry I can't help more," he says as a tear rolls down his cheek.

I jump from my seat and walk to him. He buries his head into my shoulder and weeps silently as I just hold him tightly. I don't ever want to let go of him. I can smell the Old Spice and cinnamon again and it makes me hug him more tightly.

Chapter 3

 

"I'm so sorry, Gary. I just don't think it's fair that you have to deal with this bullshit."

"Don't say sorry. It’s not your fault."

I run my fingers through Lee's hair as he blows his nose for the fifth time. He stopped crying once I wrapped my arms around him in the kitchen, but now we're in his room and he has a serious case of the sniffles. I pass him another tissue as he glares at the floor.

"You know…I'm seriously thinking about going over your house and beating the shit out of your dad."

"There's no way I would let that happen. I don't want you getting hurt at all," I say.

"Hold on a second. Is there something you aren't telling me?" he asks.

I instantly begin to panic. Maybe he finally figured out my secret?

"What do you mean?" I ask as I try to keep calm.

"You sound like you are into someone. Who's the special person?"

"What are you talking about? How can I possibly like someone in the midst of all this crap?"

"That's easy. That person can give you a sense of escape from it all," he says. "Believe me, I know."

"Oh, stop it. Everyone in this town sucks. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. That doesn't include you, though."

"You forgot one, Gary. There's no one to fuck either."

"Hah! I’m the virgin here. You’re the one that’s been with a truckload of guys."

"What can I say? They're not my type. They all suck, and not in the good way."

I burst in laughter. Lee is just too funny sometimes. He sighs and puts his head on my shoulder.

Lee says, "But seriously. What’s your kind of guy like? You've never really told me of your qualifications."

"I don't know about qualifications, but…" I let out a little laugh and continue. "He doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous. I'm more interested in personality. Trust, humor, and compassion, are all important to me. I'm really not interested in an Abercrombie and Fitch model. Normal stuff, I guess."

"I see, I see," Lee says as he nods. "You're forgetting an important one, though. He has to be a good kisser."

I smile and imagine kissing Lee. It's a scenario that has been played in my mind countless of times, but it never loses its exhilaration. The image fades, though, as Lee begins to talk again.

"You've never kissed a boy before, have you?" he asks. "I don't remember you telling me."

"Thanks for reminding me."

"I'm sorry! I really couldn't remember."

"It's okay. I haven't kissed a guy yet. My friend in junior high kissed me, but that was from a girl. She was pretty, though, and really nice."

"Who was it?"

"Mary-Anne. She was a year older than me."

"Oh yeah, I think I remember her," Lee says as he lifts his head from my shoulder and chuckles. "Do you want to change that?"

"What?" I ask. "Change what?"

"Never mind."

He stretches on the bed and stares at the ceiling. I look outside the window, staring at my house. James and Helena are probably still arguing. I wish I could forget about it all, but at the end of the day I still have to go back home. I suddenly remember of James' threat. The beginning of a headache is starting to form.

"So I should go over there and beat him to a bloody pulp after all," Lee says. "All right."

He jumps off the bed and I stare at him blankly. Half expecting him to leave me there on the bed, I get up from it as well and walk toward him.

"Take me somewhere. Anywhere. Please," I say.

I don't expect him to understand me, but he nods his head and takes my hand. We rush down the stairs, leave the house, and get into his black Jeep that's in the driveway. I sit on the passenger seat while he takes the wheel with a smirk on his face. Perhaps I missed something funny?

"You know, if you wanted to leave town earlier you could have just said so. I love getting out of town. You know me by now. I'm the spontaneous type."

I nod as Lee starts the engine and opens the garage door. We speed out of there, and I notice that there's a sort of excitement brewing from him.

"Is this exciting for you?" I ask as he stops at a red light.

"Helping you do something mischievous? Of course not! Why would you think such a thing?"

I laugh as I roll down the window and feel the wind enter the car. I've always loved the wind, but right now I love it more than anything else in the world. Closing my eyes, I let the breeze flow through my hair and breathe in the crisp scent of summer. The car starts again, and I am shoved against the seat by the sudden movement.

"Are you okay? Maybe I should slow down a bit?" Lee asks.

"No. Go faster."

"When we get on the highway."

"Where are we going, anyway?"

"You'll see. You won't be disappointed."

I never am with you. You see, your best friend is in love with you. He doesn't have the courage to tell you this because he is a fucking coward. There is also the fact that he is scared shitless of rejection. Enough said.

I rest my head against the seat and close my eyes again. Before I know it, I am sleeping. I really don't know what triggers the slumber. When I wake up, though, I am staring at the shiny, bright lights that belong to the tall hotels and casinos. Of course, we're in Atlantic City.

Lee says, "You slept for so long! An hour and a half is a record time compared to me."

"Nice choice," I say as I rub my eyes. "I've wanted to visit Atlantic City for the longest time. My dad wouldn't let me go, though."

"Why?"

"He assumes that it's a gay city just because I want to go it."

"It sure as hell is," Lee glances at me and laughs. "The truth is, there are more and more gay people popping out everywhere! He better get used to it."

He won't, I mutter to myself as I stare at the passing scenery. Women and men fill the streets, as well as children. Couples hold hands as they talk among each other. I see one of the couples making out on a bench, oblivious to everyone else. Is that what my father really wants from me? Does he really want me to be with a woman, even if it wouldn't make me happy?

"I hope you don't mind that we're going to the beach. I think it will calm you down," Lee says as he turns right.

I look away from the city life and smile at Lee. He doesn't know how sweet he is, and it bothers me.

Lee parks the car a block away from the beach and we both get out to start walking toward the shore. There are a lot of people out, but then I remember that it's Friday. Lee grabs hold of my left hand suddenly, which catches me off guard for some reason. He always holds my hand like this, but it feels different now. I can sense the warmth oozing from his skin, as well as his sweat, but his skin remains soft and gentle. I notice that the beach doesn't have that many people when I compare it to the boardwalk.

"It can get crazy here. Everyone winds down when they get to the beach, though. Usually," Lee says as we leave the crowd behind.

"I don't see the allure of gambling, anyway," I say as I slip off my shoes and socks. "All I see is cards, alcohol, ugly women, and stupidity. No thanks."

Lee laughs as we start walking on the sand. He says, "I can see the attraction, but honestly, it's nothing to lose your house over. Most people who get into gambling have no idea of what they're doing."

"It can become an addiction, right?" I ask in fake interest. I don't really care about gambling, but if it allows for a conversation with Lee, then I love the subject.

"Definitely. I had a friend once who had to go to therapy for it. It's serious."

"I think you can get addicted to anything. It's a psychological thing."

"I agree with you. That's why drugs suck. You just want to have a good time, but there's always the chance that you'll get addicted."

"I'll pass on that," I say.

"Same here. Drugs don't hold any interest for me."

Another reason why I'm crazy about you.

"We should have brought a Frisbee," Lee says, frowning. "It completely left my mind. Oh well. We can come up with more fun things to do, right?"

I smile and set my gaze on the ocean. It's so beautiful and vast compared to everything else around me. Breathing deeply, I smell the seaweed and the salt, as well as the lingering scent of fish. I'm not too fond of that last odor, but I still find the smells comforting. We reach the shore and Lee immediately places his feet in the water. He yelps as I shove him, making him fall the moment a wave hits the shore.

"You aren't going to join me?" he asks as he looks up at me eagerly. "The water's so nice."

I stare at him as he sits on the sand with his clothes already wet. They're clinging to his body, and several strands of his hair are covering his eyes. His lips are partly open as he gazes up at me.

"I'll pass on that," I say. "The water looks wicked cold, anyway."

"I don't take no as an answer."

"There you go with your double negatives," I say and snicker.

Lee quickly gets up and reaches for me. I immediately start running from him. I hear his laughter behind me and it motivates me to run quicker. The large foundation ahead of me looks ideal for a nap. The amusement park on top of it is being supported by the large columns beneath it. I stop running once I hit the shade and Lee runs right into me, forcing me to fall on the sand with him.

He groans. "Oh shit! I'm sorry. I probably killed you with my weight."

"Shut up. You only weigh like a hundred pounds. You're a fucking twig."

"More like a hundred and forty. You like to exaggerate things."

I wipe the sand away from my shirt as I lean against a column. "Look who's talking."

"Got a mirror?"

I fight back a laugh and shove him playfully.

"So," he says as he sits down next to me. "Are you starting to feel any better?"

"Yeah, for the most part." I hesitate for a moment before I continue talking. "I know the problems are still back at home, but I've wanted to get away for a bit. And the funny thing is, I don't even care if my dad gets pissed at me for doing this. He just has to deal with it."

"There's the attitude I like! You should have had this attitude from the beginning, though. It would have made things easier."

"You think so?" I ask.

"Who knows. Maybe it could have smoothed things out. He would have realized that it doesn't matter what your sexuality. What reallys matters is your happiness."

"Okay, Dr. Phil," I say in a high pitched voice. "I'm just kidding. I'm being an ass on purpose."

"Now listen, son," he starts talking in his best Dr. Phil imitation. "Mockery is not a good way for a relationship to work out."

I tilt my head back and laugh. "It sounds just like the guy himself."

"Nah. I used to have this one friend who did a great impersonation of him. It would crack me up every time."

"You used to have a lot of friends," I say thoughtfully.

"Yeah, well…honestly, you're the only real friend I have now. I know that sounds corny, but it's the truth. Everyone else just disappeared when high school ended. It proves to me that they never were my friends to begin with."

"I'm sorry," I say. "I didn't know that or else I wouldn't have brought it up."

"Don't worry about it. It's not a big deal, even though it's weird to meet up with them sometimes. Last week I saw the love of my life in high school, and he was with another girl, making out with her and everything. It hurt, Lee."

"God, that's horrible. How can people lie like that?"

"It's not that bad. I just got upset because he claimed that he was gay. He always talked about how he could never date a woman. That turned out to be a lie."

I squeeze his arm and say, "He didn't deserve you."

            Lee smiles. "We'll see who deserves me, then. I'm bound to find out sooner or later."

My mouth opens to say the words, but I find myself not saying anything at all. I know that I'm going to kick myself later for this, and that I will never forgive myself if Lee finds someone else. Even if I do ever tell him, it might just be too late.

Chapter 4

 

By the time we leave the beach, the sun is already setting on the horizon and the temperature is beginning to cool down. There are even more people on the boardwalk than before, which makes it perfect to people watch.  Some of them are obviously happy as they pass me by, but there are a lot who are visibly upset or worried. I glance over at Lee and smile when I notice that he is one of the happy ones.

"Do you ever like to watch people randomly when they don't know it?" I ask Lee when he steps in front of a shop.

"Of course. I do it all the time. Who doesn't?" he says. "Let's go in this store. It looks pretty cool."

We step into the shop that catches Lee's attention. The strong scent of incense hits us the moment we step into it. It's not overwhelming in any way, which is a surprise for me because I hate incense. I can't stand it. This particular incense smells nice, though, and makes me want a whole stash of it.

The usual items are being sold here, like hoodies and shirts that have 'Atlantic City' printed on them, as well as all sorts of souvenirs that range from key chains to towels. There are a couple of other people browsing through the store along with us. One of the employees catches sight of Lee and me and walks over to us.

"Can I help you guys with anything?" she asks in a cheerful tone.

"We're fine," Lee says as he picks up a shot glass and examines it with interest.

"If you need help with anything just tell me. I'd be glad to help."

"Actually, can you tell me what kind of incense is burning?" I ask.

"That's sandalwood. We sell it if you want to buy a pack."

"Nice." I smile and reach into my pocket to take out my wallet. "How much are they?"

"Only like three dollars, I think. You get fifty sticks in one bundle. Do you want me to get it for you?"

"Can you?"

She walks further into the store and disappears behind the racks of clothing. Lee looks over at me with a goofy smile.

"There's no such thing as having too many shot glasses. Isn't that the truth, Gary?"

"Of course," I say as I walk over to the cash register.

The girl returns and walks behind the register to charge me for the incense. I pay with the money that I had saved before my mother gave me the fifty dollars. I'm saving her money in case something comes up like being kicked out. I pay the girl and watch Lee as he tries to make up his mind about which shot glass to buy. He has two in his hands; one of them is ruby red and has dice on it while the other one is clear and has a skull. The girl gives me my change and hands over the incense bundle in a bag. I thank her and join Lee, who still looks undecided.

"Why not get both?" I ask as he directs his gaze from one shot glass to the other.

"Yeah, I would, but I don't have that much money for both. I only have enough for one. They're three dollars each. I blew off all my money last week when I went to New York City with my folks. I'm an idiot, I know."

"Here," I open up my wallet and hand him a ten dollar bill. "That's enough for both."

"I can't take your money! I don't get paid until next week."

"That doesn't matter. I still have seventy in my wallet."

"You're too sweet," he says after a pause.

He takes the ten dollar bill from my hand and suddenly leans close to kiss me on the cheek. I stare at the wall as he hurries over to the register to buy the shot glasses. My heart starts to beat a little faster than before, and start to blush like crazy. I make my way toward a mirror on the wall and look at my reflection, which shows a face that is completely flushed. I try to control my emotions and return to normal, but the red deepens in color until it looks like I'm going to pass out. I see Lee coming toward me from the corner of my eye, which causes me to start panicking almost at once.

"Here's the change. Thank you for that. I'm a shot glass freak. The more I own, the better!"

"It's okay," I say as I accept the change and put it back in my wallet. "Can we go outside?"

"Of course. Anywhere you want to go?"

"I don't know. We're not allowed to go into the casinos, right?"

"We can go in but we can't step foot where the machines are. We can walk around them, though."

"Sure."

We walk out of the store and head toward the casinos, which tower above us like skyscrapers. I know that skyscrapers are much taller, but the effect is still the same to me. The wind helps me to calm down, and I feel my face return to normal.

The closer we get to the casinos, the louder the sounds become. Music blares from the speakers outside the buildings, and people enter and leave them every second. It's funny how most of the women are dressed up while the men are wearing casual clothes.

Lee says, "Let's go into the Showboat one. It's my favorite.”

"Wait a minute. You're twenty-one though. You can go play with the slot machines if you want."

"Yeah, but I'm with you. Do you want to be alone?"

"I wouldn't mind if you went off to have some fun on your own. You don't have to be with me every single second."

"So you'd rather be alone?" Lee asks as he stares at me.

"No! I'm just saying that you don't need to miss out on the fun. That's all." I frown. "I'm sorry that came out bad."

"It's okay. I'm not holding it against you."

He pushes me lightly and I laugh. We enter the casino that he mentioned, and almost immediately we're attacked with the lights, music, and people. It's like a damn carnival for adults. I just stand there in the entrance for a couple of seconds as I take the setting in. Lee on the other hand is already walking away, completely oblivious that I'm still behind. Once he realizes that I’m not beside him anymore, he immediately stops and to turns around. I laugh as he finally sets his eyes on me.

“Lost me for a couple of seconds?” I ask playfully.

“I’m sorry. This is why I’m not good with kids.”

“I can see that. Don’t worry, I can take care of myself now.”

“Yeah, yeah. Enough with picking on me," he says as he rolls his eyes.

“You know I only joke around.”

“Criticism is never taken too seriously, so no worries here. I’m not a hothead like other people.”

We continue walking through the casino. The slot machines make for some entertaining music as I watch the people diligently play with determination. Surely these people are just having a good time and not really expecting to win big bucks? It makes me wonder.

“I wish we could get a room for the night. That’d be fun. Don’t you think?” Lee asks as we get farther away from the machines.

“Yeah, it would,” I say.

“That sounds so perverted, though. I’m sorry! I don’t want to taint an innocent boy. I’d feel horrible.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Since when am I innocent?”

“Compared to me, you are. It’s not a bad thing, though. I actually find it attractive. There’s something so hot about an inexperienced guy.”

I don’t say anything as I replay his words. Did he just say that I’m attractive? I want to stop him right now and ask him if he likes me more than a friend, but I know that I will back down the moment I stop him. So I don’t do it.

“What time is it?” I ask while I try to ignore the swarm of questions in my head.

Lee opens up his cell phone and looks at the time. “It’s eight-thirty. Why do you ask?”

“I just wanted to know.”

“Do you want to go home now?”

I snicker and say, “I don’t ever want to go back home. If I could, I’d stay right here for the whole weekend.”

“Well…” he starts to say. “I do have that money stored in my bank account.”

“Please don’t waste your money on me. It’s not worth it.”

“Hold on a second.”

Lee digs into the pocket of his jeans and takes out his cell phone. He makes a quick call as we finally reach the other end of the casino. I don’t really pay attention to what he says because I hate being nosy. Once he’s finished with the call he sighs and looks at me.

“I talked to my mom. She said it’s okay if I use my credit card, but she also had something else to say. Your dad was looking for you.”

“What the fuck…” I say as I start to feel the anger return. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

“I’m not. She said he came to our house and asked if she had seen you. My mom knows how weird your dad is, though, so she told him that he hasn’t seen you at all today. She also knows that your dad has no idea that we’re friends. She took advantage of the situation, so to speak.”

“Your mom is too nice. I can’t believe that he’s doing this! It’s so embarrassing. Give him an hour and he’ll call the army.”

I stop walking and lean against the wall to cover my face with my hands. There aren’t as many people at this end of the casino, but it's not like it matters anyway. I should have known that James would do something like this. Lee walks over to me and pulls me close.

“Do you want to get some fresh air outside?” he asks.

“Can we?”

We are both quiet as we exit the casino. The night air is completely different than the A/C inside the building. It feels constrained in there while out here it feels light and not as suffocating. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly.

“Will you be okay?” he asks as he places his hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah, I think so. I just don’t want to go back home.” I pause for a moment and then say, “I hate him so much.”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve hated him for the longest time, too. I just didn’t want to upset you with my opinion. He's being immature, to say the least. Being an adult means setting aside your differences and accepting others for who they are.”

“I’m going to tell him that the next time he threatens me.”

“He threatened you?”

Lee stares at me in disbelief. The grip on my shoulder loosens as he takes his hand away. I stare at the ground.

“It was nothing. He just told me that I have to leave if I bring a guy into the house.”

“I hate him even more now,” Lee grumbles.

“It’s not a big deal.”

“He better not do it again.”

“I love you,” I whisper when he’s not looking my way.

“What would you say if we got a room for the night?” he suddenly asks.

“And the night after that?”

Lee laughs. “How about we get us a room for the night?”

“Fuck yea,” I say with enthusiasm. “I’ll give you half.”

“No.”

“Excuse me?”

“Seriously, you don’t have to. Don’t worry about it. Think of it as a thank you gift for the shot glasses.”

“You’re funny,” I say as we go back into the casino. “Those things were nothing compared to how much a room costs.”

“Yeah, well don’t worry about it or I’ll tackle you when you least expect it.”

I laugh as we make our way to the registration desk, which is right near the front entrance. The lady behind the computer hands Lee two cards and a slip of paper with the room number. We head toward the elevators and catch one that's just about to close.

The room that we have is on the tenth floor. I am not used to such high buildings, though, so when we leave the elevator and pass by the large window overlooking the ocean, I gasp. Lee notices my reaction and laughs.

"You gotta go to New York City. The buildings make people looks like ants."

"I believe you. I think it'd be cool to go there sometime."

"I'll take you. I promise."

I smile at him as we keep walking down the hallway until we get to our room. He opens the door and we both step into the room. It's a nice room with the requirements of any hotel: a television, a bed, a window, a bathroom, and furniture to store our belongings. Lee and I don't have any things to put away, though, so there's no need for the furniture.

"If I had known there was going to be a sleep over I would have brought extra clothes," I say as I collapse on the bed.

"We don't need a change of clothes for this excursion. I didn't know you were such a prissy!"

"If you say so.” I laugh and ask, "And since when do you use fancy words like that?"

"Since I was born, obviously. I'm a miracle child."

"I can't believe your clothes dried so quickly," I say as I stare at him. "The sun was really killer outside. I didn't notice."

"I'm used to it, though. I went to the beach all the time when I was younger. The sun doesn't bother me at all. Technically, I should get sunburn every time I stay out at the beach, but I just get a little less pale."

"You know how many goths envy you in this moment?"

Lee laughs. He lies on the bed next to me, sighing. I'm tired as well. Knowing him, he probably wants to try out his new shot glasses and include me in the fun. The past couple of hours have drained us, though, and I can't help but go through the day's events as I close my eyes. A lot happened, and I have the feeling that more will happen in the following days. There’s no movement next to me, so I assume that Lee has fallen asleep. Upon opening my eyes slightly I see that I guessed right. He's curled up with his eyes shut, which is making him look angelic. I smile as I close my eyes again and start to fall asleep.

Chapter 5

 

I wake up on an unexpected place: the floor. Apparently I move around in my sleep when I'm not on my own bed. My eyes are taking in the white ceiling when I notice Lee's eyes peering at me from the edge of the bed.

"Hi,” he says.

"Hello," I awkwardly say. "I woke up in an interesting way. How did you sleep?"

"Okay. I woke up at like seven am but you were dead asleep. You weren't on the floor when I woke up. I would have felt bad and put you on the bed again."

"Why didn't you do it this time?" I ask.

"I knew you were going to wake up soon."

"Psychic abilities?"

"Yup." Lee sits up on the bed and takes the plastic cup that's on the desk next to him. "They have free coffee downstairs. Want me to get you some?"

"No, thanks. I'll be fine."

I quickly stand up and lie on the bed next to Lee. The covers are so soft in comparison to the hard rug that I was just on. My eyes wander over to him as he enjoys his cup of coffee. He looks content for some reason. Do I make him as happy as he makes me? The question twirls through my mind, but like all other questions that concern Lee, I ignore it.

"So I guess it's time to go back home today, right?" Lee says once he takes the last sip of his coffee.

“Unfortunately. I should have called my mom last night, but I completely forgot. I hope she's not worried about me. Even though she did say I was older now and could do whatever I want."

"Now that's a good mom. Wouldn't you say so, Gary?"

"Of course. My mom is pretty awesome."

"She could probably make some gay men straight."

I stare at him.

"What? I'm just saying,” Lee says as he throws his hands up. “She's super pretty, funny, nice, and has an awesome personality. It sounds like a pretty good deal to me."

"So my mom is a deal now. How nice."

"You know I like to tease you."

"I know," I say with a chuckle. "And now I tickle you."

The problem with Lee and his defense mechanism is that it's delayed. A bear could be charging toward him and it would take him a good ten seconds for him to do anything at all. When I tickle him it's no different; his arms push me off when he's just beginning to cry from laughter. He's a lot stronger than me, but I manage to stay in place.

"All right. We probably should get going now," I say once I stop. "My dad’s gonna punish me for the rest of my life."

"If he has any problems he can come to me. Understood?"

"Sure," I say as I shake my head.

The elevator ride down to the registration desk is a quiet one. Lee tells me to wait for him by the entrance so he can return the cards. He comes back a couple of minutes later with a mischievous smile.

"Can I meet your dad today?"

"What? Are you crazy?" I ask as we exit the casino. "He'll never let me see you again if he lays his eyes on you."

"So you're saying I'm the poster boy for the typical gay man?"

"I just don't want you getting involved in the drama," I say in a rush.

Lee notices the sadness in my voice and gives me a quick hug. It's more of a half hug because he only uses his left arm, but it's a hug nonetheless.

The ride home is quick. My body becomes tenser as we get closer to town. Lee notices me being quiet, but he doesn't say anything to bother me. I really don't feel like talking at the moment. When we get off the highway, my stomach starts churning.

"Do you want me to talk to him?" Lee asks once we're a couple of blocks away from our block.

"No. I'll handle it myself. Thanks for the help, though."

"He'll think we did things. I'll tell him in his face that we didn't do anything inappropriate."

"He'll believe what he wants to believe," I say.

When we finally hit our street, I abruptly grab Lee's shoulder.

"Drop me off right here."

"But your house is at the other end."

"I want that."

He stops the Jeep close to the sidewalk. I give him a quick hug, but I avoid looking at his face. I know that he's worried about me. Seeing that look of concern always makes me want to comfort him, but I really need to get home, so I get out of the car. I start walking toward my house when Lee honks at me.

"Call me when you can," he yells.

I nod and watch as he drives the car into his driveway. I really don't want to confront my dad, but I do believe that running away from problems only causes more of them. I get to my house and like many other times before, I open the door with dread and step inside.

"Hello?"

"Hey stranger." It's my mom. "Have fun?"

"Oh. Hi mom," I say as I walk into the kitchen.

"Are you going to answer my question?"

I laugh. "Yeah, nothing major though. Where's dad?"

"Never mind him. So where did you go?" She kisses my forehead. "I was just curious as to where you went."

"I went to Atlantic City with Lee. It was pretty cool."

"Well, I'm jealous. You stayed the night at the beach?"

"Hotel casino thing."

My mother's jaw drops slightly. "Now I'm going to punish you for not including me in the fun. I'm just kidding."

I relax a little. I wasn't expecting such a warm welcome, but I'm not going to complain. My mom sits down and starts to peel the shrimp that's on the table.

"You're making food?"

"The shrimp along with spaghetti, which is already done. Are you hungry? I could serve you a plate right now."

"No, thanks. Maybe later."

I walk out of the kitchen and take the phone that's in the living room. I dial Lee's number and wait for a response as I walk to my room. Once inside, I shut the door and lay on the bed.

"Hello?" Lee says.

"Hey, it's me."

"Hi. How'd it go?" he asks eagerly.

"My dad's not here. Mom's here though. She isn't royally pissed at me."

"Sweet. Where's your dad?"

"I don't know. My mom wouldn't tell me."

"That's weird. Where do you think he is?"

"I don't really care. He could be dead right now and I'd be crying from joy, not from pain."

"You say that but you don't really mean it, right?"

"I don't know," I say, annoyed. "I don't know anything with him. He's turning me into this vortex of hate. If he does anything to me again, I’m going to punch him between the eyes."

"If you do that he'll probably pass out for like an hour."

"Let's hope it's forever."

"I've never heard you talk like this," Lee says. "Maybe the trip to Atlantic City wasn't such a good idea?"

"I've lost my patience with him, especially after what he did yesterday. You should see how he treats mom. If he lays a finger on her, he's dead."

"I do agree that he needs a reality check."

Our conversation is interrupted when I see the door open and two men standing right in the doorway. I sit up and frown as I recognize my father and my uncle.

"Hey, let me call you back," I say to Lee.

"Sure. I'll be here for the rest of the day."

"Okay. Bye."

I hang up the phone and turn my attention to my father and uncle, who are both still standing there. It's clear to me that I'm the one who should say something first.

"Hi," I say with a wave.

My dad and uncle both look at each other and exchange an eye signal that I don't like. I immediately know that they're up to something.

"Son, you remember Uncle Joey, right?" my dad says eagerly. "He's here to talk to you about some things."

My dad turns around and walks away from us before I can say anything at all. It leaves Uncle Joey staring at me with a huge smile.

"Congratulations on your graduation! I'm sorry I couldn't be there. I was away doing business. You know how work is so demanding at times."

"It's okay," I say.

"Do you mind if I sit down next to you?"

"Go ahead."

I don't regard myself as the most intelligent person on the planet, but it's clear to me that my Uncle Joey is going to propose something to me.

"Your father was telling me some alarming things, Gary."

My stomach churns. I stare at my uncle, ready to hear the words.

“I know getting a girlfriend is hard, but you can always ask for help. I remember when I was your age and trying to get the right girl. It was a goddamn competition!"

I look at him oddly. Despite my perplexed stare, he continues to talk.

"So here's the thing. Your father has told me that you want to date now that you don't have school to worry about. I can definitely hook you up. One of my daughter's friends is interested in you. You remember your cousin Lizzie, right? She's totally okay with it. What do you say?"

My confused stare morphs into a blank one. I am completely speechless, and all I can do is nod.

"Awesome! I'll give you a call tomorrow with more details. I have to get home

now. The wife’s expecting me for dinner with the kids. I'll talk to you later, Gary."

I keep nodding as I zone out. From the corner of my eye, I see him leave my room, but I can't stop staring at the wall. I think I have a good sense of what just happened. My dad told Uncle Joey that I'm looking for a girlfriend because he's still in denial about my sexuality. If this were to happen to Lee, he would be having a shouting match with his father. He would have said that he has no interest in giving a girl false hope.

I've already decided that I'm going to play along with my father's plan. I feel like I have no other alternative. Getting kicked out is not even an option right now, unless I want to be a hindrance to anyone else, including Lee. Dealing with my father's antics is going to be a much harder task than I thought.

"Gary?" my mother's voice yells from down the hall. "Dinner is ready if you're hungry."

I'm not hungry at all, but I walk down the hallway anyway.

"Not hungry. Thank you anyway, mom."

"That's okay. I'll leave the rest in the fridge in case you want any later."

"Okay."

I look around for my dad, but I don't see him. I figure that he's outside talking to my uncle still, so I walk back to my room and lay on the bed. The phone is right next to me. Calling Lee seems like the ideal thing to do, but I know that if I do I’ll feel like an idiot. I pick up the phone and dial his number anyway.

"Hello?"

"Hey. It's Gary. I don't feel too good so I'm going to take a nap."

"Aw, I'm sorry. I hope you feel better soon."

"Thank you," I say. "I just wanted to call you to let you know."

"That's sweet of you."

Not really, I think.

"I'll give you a call later."

"That’s if you wake up. Sleepy head," he says before he laughs.

"Of course. Bye."

"Later."

I hang up the phone and set it next to me on the bed. I don't even bother to slip underneath the covers. Maybe sleep will come to me. For now, I just stare at the ceiling as I let the minutes pass.

Chapter 6

 

I end up staying awake the entire night without a second of sleep. At around five AM, I begin to doze off when the sounds of my father getting up keep me awake. He does his usual routine of taking a shower, brewing his coffee, and watching the morning news.

My dad leaves at exactly six AM. I stare at the clock as I hear him get out of the house, start the car, and leave the driveway. In the past when I would get up for school, I would sometimes be able to catch him before work. This was when we were close, though. We would have a good laugh or two before he drove off to the engineering company that he works for. Luckily he gets a good paycheck from them. Lately, though, he's been spending more time there.

Suddenly, I hear someone walking down the hallway. I assume that my dad forgot something, but then I catch the unmistakable sound of crying. I get up and open the door to look out in the hallway. My mom is leaning against the wall with her hands covering her face. She is sobbing gently, which is forcing her body to shake with every cry.

"Mom? Are you okay?" I ask as I approach her.

"Gary?" My mom takes her hands off her face. "Why are you up so early?"

"Can't sleep. What about you? Why are you crying?"

She wipes the tears away. "James told me about yesterday. I can’t believe him!"

I give her a tight hug. They probably fought at night, and I didn’t even notice it. Mom looks drained.

"It's unbelievable, though!" she continues to say. "He has the guts to lie to his brother, but he won’t be honest with you. He's incompetent and deranged. You don't deserve this bullshit!"

"It's okay, mom. I'm just going to play his game and get him when he least expects it. It's no big deal."

"You shouldn't even be doing that. I’m so pissed!"

She suddenly takes the picture frame that's resting on the wall and stares at it for a second. It's a picture of her, dad, and me. We're all smiling in it, trying our best to not start laughing. I remember that day, too. We had just come back from our trip to Florida. Mom scowls and throws the frame down the hallway. I watch in slight admiration as the frame plummets to the floor in the living room. I don't know why, but I think it's sort of fascinating when things fall and break. The frame hits the floor, shattering the glass. The sound the frame makes upon impact startles me, making me jump.

"I'm sorry. That was really unnecessary," mom says in a daze. "Do you want some breakfast?"

I smile as I follow her into the kitchen, where she starts to cook some food. It used to be that scrambled eggs with American cheese were my favorite dish, but I rarely eat eggs now. So when she hands me the plate of eggs, I devour them.

"I'm going to be leaving today. I made up my mind."

"Leaving? Where?" I ask once I'm done.

"My father's house. You're welcome to come if you want."

I immediately think of Lee. "I'll be fine here. Does dad know you're leaving?"

"No. He'll figure it out once he catches sight of the shattered frame. Try not to pick it up yourself. Let him do it," she says with a chuckle. "He'll see how it is to do woman's work."

''Okay,'' I say as I bring the plate to the sink. ''Will not do.''

''You're a great son,'' she says as she wraps her arms around me. ''I could care less about your sexuality. My son is amazing.''

“You’ve been saying that a lot lately.”

“With your father treating you like a disappointment? I’ll happily tell you that you’re amazing everyday if I have to.”

I smile and say, “Thanks.”

"Now go to do the things you need to do. A normal teenager causes chaos. Don't fail me."

"Yes, ma'am," I say.

When I get back into my room, I expect to fall asleep, but I don't. Instead, I find myself staring at the ceiling again. I spot my notebook on the desk and I pick it up, feeling the urge to write. My favorite pen catches my eye as well, so I grab it and rest on the bed with my stomach face down. With the pen in hand, I open the notebook to the first clean page. Apparently I had been using it in my senior year as a doodle book. Illustrations and random words clutter the first two pages. I spot Lee's name written about five times. Smiling, I begin to write on the page.

Yes, well...this is hard to write down, but I feel that it's better if I do. I love you, Lee. I love everything about you. You're perfect to me. Kissing you would be a fantasy come true. To have my lips on yours...that would be amazing. My mom’s leaving today. She invited me to go with her, but do you want to guess what I thought of right away? You. I'm not going with her because I don't want to leave your side. You mean too much to me. If it weren't for you, I would be crazy right now. It's just the truth.

I stop writing and read what I just wrote. It doesn't make me embarrassed or ashamed. Instead, it makes me happy. Yesterday’s memories come back, making me smile. It was pretty funny how red I got when Lee kissed me. He must have picked up on that. Maybe he did notice and hasn't mentioned it so I don't feel bad.

My eyes are watering now. I need sleep or else my body will give out. I set the notebook and pen to the side of the bed and begin to doze off.

                                                                        *****

"I'm always the one to wake you up, aren't I?"

I open my eyes to find myself looking at Lee. He’s standing over me as he gazes intently at me. I smile tiredly and stretch my arms with a loud yawn. Lee sits down on the edge of the bed as he continues to stare at me.

"You know, you're adorable when you're just waking up," he says.

"Not as adorable as you."

"You haven't seen me wake up yet."

"Let's change that," I say with a growl.

I know that I'm dreaming at this point. Stuff like this just doesn’t happen. In the dream, I grab Lee and kiss him passionately. In real life, I’d never do this. My teeth are nibbling his lips while my hand is already half way down his pants. I squeeze his hardness and I...

"Gary? You're still asleep?”

I open my eyes for real this time and look up at mom. Even though I was only dreaming, I can still feel the lust coursing through my body. I ignore the desire and shift my focus to my mom.

''I'm awake.''

''I just wanted to tell you goodbye before I drive off to my dad's.''

''When will you be back?''

''In about a week or so. Here.'' She hands me a fifty dollar bill. ''Do you still have the other fifty?''

''Yup.''

''Okay. So you have a hundred for food if you want to get anything from take-out.''

''Mom...that's too much.''

''No, it isn't,'' she says and smiles. ''Remember to be good. And if I were you, I wouldn't give in to his stupid plan.''

''Thanks, mom. Have a good time.''

''I'll call you later.''

She kisses my forehead as I take the bill from her. Once she’s out of my room, I watch as she walks out of the house and starts the car. In less than a minute, she's out of the driveway, heading to my grandfather's. I sigh. The next couple of days are bound to be interesting. My eyes wander over to the clock. It's 12:33 PM. At least I got a couple of hours of sleep.

Suddenly the dream I just had returns, making me think about Lee again. I wonder if he thinks of me as more than a friend…

Feeling awake, I make my way to the living room. I sit down on the couch and turn on the television. I change it to the sci-fi channel and I start watching a movie in which a town is being tormented by a group of vampires when the phone rings. I pick it up and look at the caller ID. The caller ID shows Uncle Joey's number. I groan before I turn the phone on and answer the call.

"Hello?"

            "Hey, Gary! It's your Uncle Joey. How are you?"

"I'm good," I say in a fake cheerful tone. "How about you?"

"Splendid! I have good news about that potential girlfriend of yours."

"Really? Sounds good," I say, trying to sound interested.

"Her name is Kristen. She's a freshman in college and she's twenty years old. She's really pretty. I've met her before."

It sounds like he's trying to auction her off.

"She wanted to know if you could make it to the movies tomorrow around three. Is that okay with you?"

"It's fine."

What else can I say? I have no other choice.

"Great. She's going to be outside of the theater waiting for you. She's really looking forward to it."

"So am I."

My voice hides the sarcasm extremely well.

"All right. I hope it goes well! Call me to say how it went."

"I will."

I hang up the phone and start to laugh. It's still a little hard to believe that my father went to my uncle for help. It's actually amusing once I think about it, but I know for sure that it won't settle well with Lee. Whenever I don't tell him something, though, I feel extremely guilty. I decide to call him, knowing that I’ll disappoint him.

"Hello?" his mom asks.

"Hi, is Lee there?"

"Yeah, he's right here. Lee?"

A couple of seconds later, he picks up the phone. "Hello?"  

"Hey. You think you can meet me in the woods?"

"Right now?"

"Is that okay?"

"Sure. I'll be there in like five minutes."

"Okay. See you."

I set the phone back on the charger. I go to my room where I take out my hoodie from the closet. It doesn't look very warm today. The wind is making the branches sway, and the clouds are blocking the sun. My pace is quick as I leave the house and head to the woods. Once I'm in the midst of the trees, I sit down and rest against one of them. I wait for Lee, who happens to arrive about a minute after I do.

"What's up?” he asks as he joins my side.

            I just shake my head and say, "Sorry to have bothered you."

"Nah, you don't bug me. You're best friend, remember."

            Too bad it isn’t more.

"So what ended up happening with your dad yesterday?" he asks.

"Oh, yeah. Well...about that."

"Did the man turn into Godzilla or what?"

"No. I did something really stupid, Lee."

"You took ecstasy?"

"Nothing like that. It's kind of complicated. Actually, really complicated. My father went to my Uncle Joey and told him that I'm looking for a girlfriend. I didn’t know it, but he had me set up with his daughter's friend. Now I'm scheduled for a date tomorrow with this girl. I know, I'm stupid. I just didn't have the guts to tell my uncle that I'm gay. I'm a complete idiot."

"You're not stupid," Lee says.

"Well, I'm definitely not smart."

"Are you going to tell her?"

"Tell her what? That I'm gay? I think it's a little too late for that," I say as I roll my eyes.

"Sorry. I'm just trying to help."

"Yeah well, I don't think anything is going to help right now. I'm pretty much fucked."

"I can try to help you. That's what friends are for."

"How?" I ask.

I don't have to look at Lee to know that he's hurt. The mood suddenly changes, and I stop him before he stands up.

            "I'm sorry. I'm being a complete asshole. Please don't leave," I say.

"I just wish I could help."

"You do help, though! You help me so much, Lee. You know that you're my only friend in this whole damn town. I can't trust anyone else. You're always there for me. How do you not help?"

Lee smiles and says, "I never thought of it like that."

"Get used to it. It's the truth."

Chapter 7

 

When I come back home, I find my father eating dinner by himself. He looks lonely, but I'm in no rush to keep him company. He looks at me and waves. I nod.

"How was work?" I ask as I walk over to the fridge.

"Pretty good. Gary, about yesterday-"

"It's okay. No hard feelings. I already talked with Uncle Joey today. Kristen and I have a date tomorrow at three. We're going to the movies."

My father's mouth opens slightly. I take out some orange juice and serve myself a cup.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing. That's...great. I thought you'd be upset with the idea."

"Thought wrong then, huh?"

"Apparently. Are you sure?"

"Uh huh. Oh yeah. Mom told me that she had an urgent call from grandpa. She'll be back soon."

"I was wondering where she went,” he says under his breath. "Thanks for telling me."

"No problem."

I drink the cup of orange juice in just one gulp. I put the gallon back in the fridge and try not to grin like an idiot. Revenge is going to be fun.

                                                                        *****

            When I wake up the next morning, I'm surprised to hear the shower running in my parent's bedroom. I'm so used to my dad being at work that I find it odd when he’s here. I check how much time I have before the date. I have exactly half an hour left.

"What the fuck!" I say as I immediately spring from the bed.

I take out a nice shirt and a clean pair of pants and quickly rush to the bathroom. Luckily the house has two showers, so there’s no issue in getting clean. I'm out of the shower in less than five minutes, and I manage to slip into the clothes within a minute. When my dad catches sight of me running around frantically, he laughs.

"Maybe I should have woken you up?" he asks as he dries his hair with a towel.

"I think I'll make it. Can I borrow the car?"

"Of course you can."

He digs into his pocket, takes out the keys, and hands them over to me. I can't help but notice his genuine smile. Even though he has been extremely mean, I can't help but feel a sort of satisfaction. It’s weird.

I make my way out to the driveway and hop in the black BMW. Most kids my age dream of having a car like this. I get to drive it for free. I pull out of the driveway with fifteen minutes to spare. When I pass by Lee's house, I see him standing outside with another guy. They are laughing and standing kind of close to each other. I get a good look at the guy Lee is talking with. He’s tall and has punk clothing on. He's really good looking. If it wasn't for his outlandish clothing, I could easily picture him in an ad for one of those popular clothing stores like Hollister. Instead, he looks like the poster boy for Hot Topic. I’m immediately curious, but I force my attention on the road.

By the time I get to the movie theater, it's three o'clock. I quickly find a parking space and rush over to the front of the building. A short, petite girl stands in front of the box office with

wandering eyes. It must be Kristen.

"Excuse me?" I ask as I approach her. "Are you Kristen?"

"Yeah, I'm her. And you're Gary?"

"How did you know?"

She laughs. "Nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you."

"Really?”

"Well, they told me that you're very handsome. So far they were right."

Now it's my turn to laugh. I'm surprised at how pretty she is. Most girls are always smothered in makeup and trying so hard to show off their body, but Kristen isn’t like that. I don't see a speck of make up on her face and her clothes are simple.

"I hope you don't mind that I bought tickets already. Lizzie told me that you love scary movies, so I got us tickets for that new vampire movie. Is that okay with you?"

"I didn't even know there was one out! Of course it is."

"Awesome."

We walk through the doors and make our way to the movie. I'm a little nervous, but so far it seems I haven't come across as insecure or weird. I don't want to say anything that will make her question me. That would just ruin everything. Once we're inside, we find some make our way to the back and wait for the movie to start.

"So my uncle told me that you're in college," I say.

"Yeah, I am. It's nothing great, though. I'm an Economics major. If it were up to me, though, I'd be studying art right now."

"Really? Why are you studying business then?"

"Parents," she says as she rolls her eyes.

"I completely understand," I say.

"It's not so bad. It's just that I know the arts would be a better choice for me. I'm more comfortable with creativity. Always have been and always will."

"What kind of art do you like?"

"I love it all. My favorites are photography and sculpture, though. What about you? Are you a big art fan?"

"I don't think civilization could exist without art. That's my view on that."

"Nicely said!" she says. "You really are awesome. They were right."

I smile. I have the sudden feeling that I should be flirting back with her, but it's not coming to me. I wonder why? My sarcasm never fails...

"So what college are you in?" I ask once the advertisements show up.

"I'm in Princeton."

"Holy hell!"

"Yeah, I know. It's pretty damn expensive," she says with a laugh. "Not such a bad school, though. So far I'm liking it."

"I would hope so. I knew only one kid who ended up going there. Everyone else stayed back and turned into druggies."

"Oh, that's a shame. I think you can do so much more than that."

I nod. Even though she is a girl, I find her really easy to talk to. I feel the same comfort talking to her as I do with Lee. I see that as a good thing, though, but what I'm hiding from her is anything but that. I try not to think about it as the movie starts and everyone quiets down.

*****

The movie turns out to be pretty good. It's cheesy at some points, but overall it leaves a good impression on me. The vampires are really well done and the chemistry between the actors and actresses is genuine. I look over at Kristen occasionally to see her reaction of the movie. She seems to enjoy it as well. After about an hour and a half, the movie ends and everyone begins to leave. Kristen latches on to my arm and looks up at me with a playful look.

"I'm scared of the vamps now. They were really spooky!" she says.

"Haha. Yeah, they came across as real to me. I'll protect you from them, though. Don't worry."

She giggles and we both stand up to leave the theater. When we get outside, we are met with a gust of wind that forces us to squint our eyes. It stops and I look at the sky oddly.

"It looks like a storm is coming."

She says, "Yeah, it does. That means I should be getting home. I have my laundry drying outside and I have to bring it in before it starts raining. Here, I'll give you my number."

Kristen reaches into her pocketbook, takes out a slip of paper and a pen, and writes down her phone number. She hands it to me and I put it in my pocket.

"Do you want mine as well?" I ask as she takes out her cell phone.

"I was just about to ask you."

I tell her my number and she stores it in her phone. She puts it back in her pocketbook and leans close to me to give me a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you for today. I had a great time."

"I'm glad you did. I had fun as well."

"I'll try calling you later. Is that okay?"

I almost forget that this is going to keep happening. "Yeah, of course!"

She waves and says, "All right. Bye Gary."

"Bye."

I watch as she walks to her car. I can already look back in the past two hours and pin point all the things I did wrong. I should have brought her flowers, roses, something nice. I also should have opened the door for her. How could I have forgotten that? The dumbest one, though, was when I didn't flirt back. What kind of straight guy wouldn't flirt with her?

I walk back to the BMW and sigh once I sit down on the seat. I can't believe that I'm doing this. This is going to turn into a disaster. How else is it going to end? It's only a matter of time before she realizes that I’m gay. She’ll tell me how much of a scum I am, and I'm going to deserve every second of it.

When I get to my street, I immediately glance at Lee's house to see if he's out. There's no one outside. I suddenly feel extremely alone. Instead of heading home, I suddenly stop the car, turn on my signal, and make a three point turn. I have a specific place in mind. I haven't been there in years, but I know exactly where to go.

The park is roughly a ten minute drive from my house. I was alone one time at home and extremely bored, so I walked all the way there. It's funny how places are more distant when a person walks. It took me around half an hour to get there. I didn't mind the long walk, but I got in major trouble when I came back home. My parents were about to call the cops.

I pass the gates and park close to the path. The lake is about five minutes away. It's nothing huge, but any body of water calms me down.  I turn the engine off and make sure to lock all the doors. Making my way up the path, I notice several people with fishing rods. They’re smiling and laughing among each other as they talked enthusiastically.

I reach the lake and immediately sit down on the edge of the water. From here I can see the sky perfectly. The horizon looks ominous and the wind suddenly picks up in intensity. The people who came to fish arrived at a great time. I hear the first sound of thunder in the distance and I await it eagerly. I love storms. The rain begins to fall without warning, drenching everything. Something breaks free inside of me as I watch the rain hit the surface of the lake. No one can see me cry in the rain. I'd prefer it to be that way.

Chapter 8

 I end up missing Kristen's call. I check it on the caller ID. I also missed my mom's call yesterday. She called sometime during the night when dad and I were sleeping. I contemplate calling the both of them back, but I decide not to. I'm too busy peeling off the layers of wet clothing.

My dad's not here. For once, I wonder where he went. Then it dawns on me that he's probably at Uncle Joey's house. He's probably just spreading the cheer around.

Once I have all of my wet clothes off, I go downstairs and put them in the dryer. It's still raining pretty hard. I go back upstairs and go to my room to put on a new set of clothes. I don't feel like doing anything, so I lay on the bed and try to think of nothing. It doesn't work. My mind becomes clouded with images. Seeing my mom slap my dad is something I hope to never see again. They both loved each other so much. Now I'm not sure if they even like each other as human beings. My dad could kill my mom if he wanted to. He's six feet tall and weighs about two hundred pounds. Most of that weight is muscle.

Suddenly, I hear the doorbell ring. I open the door and find Lee standing there with a grin.

"I'm going to a party tonight. Want to come?"

I laugh and say, "I haven't been to one in ages."

"High school? Don't worry. This one isn't like that. My friend Johnny invited me. There'll be booze. You know you want to."

"You know me too well."

"Sweet. I'll pick you up at around seven. See you in a bit."

He thinks that I'm going because of the free alcohol, but I’m only going because he's going to be there. Hopefully I'll be able to get some distraction from all the drama. I head back inside and look at the time. It's fifteen minutes after five. It seems that time is running my every move today. I go back into my room and look in the mirror. I look like I do every day. Wanting to change this, I go into the bathroom that’s in my parents’ room. I look through my mother's make up and spot the black eyeliner at once. With a smirk, I carefully put some on and look at my reflection. I look different now. My bright eyes stand out more. Lee once said that he thought guys in eyeliner were irresistible. Hopefully he’ll notice it on me.

I frown. I'm not really acting like myself. It reminds me of the dream that I had yesterday. Maybe that's not such a bad thing? Pushing it aside, I put the eyeliner back into the stash of make up and go to my bedroom. I pass the time reading a novel that involves two gay men. They're both madly in love with each other, but they don't want to admit it. They fuck other people yet they find themselves thinking about each other all of the time. I'm halfway through it and it's got me hooked. I'm a sucker for a book with a good plot. Ironically, my mom found it in a yard sale and bought it for me. She had left it in my closet with a post it note on the front cover. My son has options. Breaking his silence is the preferred one. I remember it had brought such relief to me.

The book keeps me distracted until I hear the doorbell ring again. I instinctively look up at the clock. It's already seven o' clock. I run back to my room, hide the book underneath my bed, and start making my way downstairs. Halfway down the steps, though, I stop and turn back to walk into the kitchen. I leave a note for my dad which says that I'll be back later. Now I'm ready to leave.

I’m barely out of the house when Lee almost tackles me to the ground with his huge hug.

"We're going to get wasted!" he yells.

The distinct smell of cologne hits my nose, making me smile.

"You smell good," I say once he lets go of me.

"Why thank you. Shall we go now?"

"You and your fancy talk."

"Someone has to appreciate it. Do you think anyone ever will?"

"Perhaps."

We walk to his Jeep, which is parked right in my driveway. Once we're in it, I wait for him to start the engine. He doesn't, though. I look over at him oddly and notice that he has a weird expression.

"Everything okay, Lee?"

He suddenly turns the car light on and I squint. The light is way too fucking bright.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I've just never seen you with eyeliner before."

I stare at him. "You're kinda freaking me out. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine."

He turns the light off and starts the engine. We leave the driveway in silence. It isn't tense or anything like that. It just feels like the mood has suddenly shifted from playful to something awkward. The drive to the party is a short lived one. A whistle escapes my lips as I take in the house. I wouldn't call it a house; in my eyes it’s a mansion.

"We're here." Lee says.

"It's a nice house."

"Doesn't look too bad."

We step out of the Jeep and make our way to the front door. I can hear rock music being played from within the house. The door opens and the guy that Lee was talking to before greets us.

"Hey. I'm glad you made it. Come inside."

I follow Lee as he makes his way through the crowd of people in the living room. Not wanting to lose him, I quickly grab his hand. He looks back at me and smiles. It seems that he doesn't mind. Apparently he's leading me to the keg of beer in the middle of the room. He surprises me, though, when he walks past it. It seems that he's heading straight for the hard liquor.

"Beer is for pussies," I hear him shout through the loud music.

"I agree."

"What?" he yells once we get to the bottles of whiskey.

"I said I agree!" I yell back.

"You better. We could have changed that, anyway."

"What do you mean?" I ask as I get closer to him so we can hear each other better.

"Beer isn't that bad, really. It's just that liquor is better if you wanna get trashed. Wouldn't you agree?"

I watch as he takes two shot glasses from his pockets and sets them on the table. I immediately recognize them as the two that he bought in Atlantic City.

"You brought them," I say.

"Of course. It was the perfect time. There's never any booze at home. Parents don't drink."

"They don't? Never?"

"Nope. They haven't had a sip of alcohol since their teen years. Or so they say."

Lee takes the Southern Comfort on the table and pours a little in each shot glass. I’m not a big drinker, so I brace myself for the aftertaste. He passes me my shot and takes the other in his hand.

"Cheers to a dismal future," he says.

“I’m not drinking to that.”

"Fine. Cheers to us getting laid. We need some."

"That's better."

I bring the shot glass to my mouth and tilt my head back slightly. It rushes straight down my throat, stinging it in the process. I cough and laugh at my reaction. The last time I drank any alcohol was about two months ago at my graduation part, but that had just been some beer. I look over at Lee, who has taken the shot already with no issue.

"Want another shot?" Lee asks with the bottle in his hand.

"Sure."

We take another shot of the Southern Comfort together. I'm probably going to get tipsy soon.

"Let's go," Lee says as he grabs my hand suddenly.

"Where are we going?"

"Upstairs."

"Why?"

"I have my reasons."

We walk up the long, wide flight of stairs to the second floor. Several people are making out, and some seem ready to take it to the bedroom. We walk past them and into a hallway with some open rooms. Lee chooses one on the right side of the hall. I step inside the room with him and he quickly locks it. Even though the music can still be heard, it's not as loud in here.

"What's going on? You got me worried," I say.

Lee sits down on the bed and looks around. I follow his eyes as they wander around the room. It's a plain room with a mirror on one wall and some furniture spread about. Some expensive looking sheets cover the bed that he's sitting on. I expected more luxury from a house like this. He finally sets his eyes on me and stretches on the bed.

"First of all, you look really fucking hot with eyeliner on. Did you see how those girls were looking at you?"

I laugh, not knowing what to say.

"I’m serious, though. What's going on with that girl? Did you go on a date with her yet?"

My laughter quickly fades.

"So you did. When?"

"Do we have to talk about this? I thought we came here to have a good time."

"Obviously, but I care about you. I could be one of those dopey friends who don’t give a fuck. It would be hard, though, so I can't guarantee anything."

"No! I didn't mean that." I sit down on the bed next to him. "It's just that I came to this party to get away from all of that. I don't want to deal with it right now. I was trying to deal with it earlier, but I ended up crying. It was pathetic, Lee."

"I'm sorry. It's just not right, you know? The both of you are gonna go nowhere with this. Is she a sweet girl?"

"Of course she is. It makes it that much worse. I went on the date with her today. She was literally swooning over me, Lee. Don’t get me wrong, I want to end it, but if I tell her...what if she doesn't believe me? It seems so fake, like an excuse for me to just blow her off. I could never do that to someone."

"But this is different. You were forced into something without your knowledge. You deserve a right to end it."

"It's not that easy, though."

"Nothing’s easy, Gary. That's why people bitch about life so much. It's so difficult and fucked up."

"Hopefully most of them don't have a homophobic, threatening father living with them."

"Stand up to him then."

"I can't!!!" I scream.

Lee scowls and sits up.

He says, "I know you hate confrontations, but sometimes there's no other choice."

"And risk getting kicked out of my own home?! I'd rather play along with this shit until it breaks down."

"You know that you're more than welcome to stay at my place."

"That's so fucking embarrassing, Lee! I hate leeching off people. Besides, my dad would look through the entire neighborhood until he found me. He's stubborn like that."

"How do you know?"

"Because I do!” I say. “He has to have his way or else. If things don't go his way, he gets ticked off and people get hurt."

            Lee sighs. "I really don't see what's so bad about trying."

            "Oh yeah? Well, add being in love with someone you can't have to the mix. It makes things so much better!"

            Silence greets my revelation for a couple of moments.

            "Who are you in love with?" Lee asks. "I assume it's a guy."

            "Yeah, but not just any guy. Fuck." I groan. "I think I should never drink again. It makes me too fucking honest."

            "Can I know who it is?"

            "It's not a big deal."

            "I thought I was your friend," he says.

            "You're my only friend. The only one I can trust. Don't ever doubt that!" I say the last words firmly.

            "It doesn't seem like it. Are you scared that I'll criticize this guy or something?"

            "No! That's not the problem-"

            "Then I don't fucking get it!" Lee says, standing up from the bed. "I tell you everything that crosses my mind, and you can't even tell me about your crush? That's really low, Gary. Why the fuck is it such a big deal? Actually, forget it. You won't even tell me that either, will you?"

            I watch in panic as he starts walking toward the door. With my heart slamming against my chest, I quickly grab his hand and spring up from the bed.

            "The reason why I'm hesitant to tell you is because I'm scared of rejection. Lee...I'm scared because..."

            He turns around to gaze into my eyes, waiting for the answer.

            "It's because the person I'm in love with is my best friend." I let go of his hand. "The only real friend I have...that can only be you, Lee."

            I stare at him. Expecting rejection from him, I prepare myself for it. That's sweet, but you're my friend, Gary. Friends don't date each other. I just don't see you in that way...

            When he doesn't immediately respond, I say, "This is the part where you're supposed to remind me that we're just friends."

            Lee smiles. "No, silly. You got it wrong. This is the part where I'm supposed to kiss you."

            He pulls me toward him and brings his face close to my own. His lips lock with mine and I shiver. The whiskey is still strong in his mouth, but it doesn't bother me. My mind immediately begs the question...am I dreaming, or is this really happening? We continue to kiss as I move my hands down to his stomach. His abs feel so good against my palms. I feel his tongue enter my mouth as my hands explore his toned back. He plays with my tongue for a bit before he breaks the kiss and gazes into my eyes.

            "You're going to give me naughty dreams tonight if you keep it up with those hands," he whispers.

            "Maybe I want that?"

            We're about to kiss again, but we are interrupted by someone knocking on the door. Lee rolls his eyes and I frown as he lets me go to open it.

            "Yeah?" he asks once he has the door open.

            "We kinda need a room," a girl says airily with her arm around a guy's waist. "The rest are taken."

            I try not to laugh as Lee looks back at me quickly with a silly expression.

            "All right. We were leaving anyway."

            I follow him out of the room and groan as we make our way down the hallway. It's such a pain to walk around while being extremely horny. Not only that, but as I walk past the people, I get the feeling that they all know what’s going on. Lee shoves me gently against the wall once we're downstairs.

            "I love the perfect timing of that," he says

            "Me too." I pull him closer to me. "Of course that had to happen."

            "Certainly. So are we going to get wasted or what?"

Chapter 9

           

            I take a couple more shots of whiskey before Lee and I head back home. He decides not to drink anymore because he is the designated driver and all, but when no one is looking I snatch the bottle of Southern Comfort. No one tries to stop me. When we get to my driveway, I show Lee the bottle. He tilts his head back and laughs.

            "There's so much left, too. You're awesome. No one even noticed you?"

            "Nope. I probably could have taken the roof as well. Everyone was distracted.
            "So this means that we can still get wasted?"

            "I don't know." I look at my house, wondering if my dad has come back. "All the lights are off. He's probably still out."

            "Let's make ourselves comfortable, then. I'll bring the Jeep back into the driveway. Keep the door open for me, will you?"

            "Are you insane? What if he comes back and finds us?"

            "So?"  

            Saying no to Lee is impossible.

            "All right. I'll keep the front door open."

            I get out of the car and get into my house with the bottle of whiskey in hand, making sure to keep the door unlocked.  Once inside, I lie on the sofa and drink a little more of the whiskey. A couple of minutes later, Lee steps inside the living room and sits right on top of me. I push him off.

            "Excuse you! I'm not part of the couch," I say.

            "Sorry. Didn't notice."

            He sits back on top of me and I immediately start to tickle him. The bottle slips a little from my grasp before I set it on the table. I feel so relaxed and calm for once. Lee laughs and I pull him closer to me so that I can kiss him. He obliges immediately. This kiss is much more passionate. For one, it involves a lot more tongue and touching. I break the kiss for just a couple of seconds to take his shirt off so I can feel his warm body more. My hands caress his chest and back, savoring every second of it. His lips trail down to my neck where he starts to bite me gently. I find myself groaning as he begins to suck on my neck.

            "I feel like I'm floating," I say.

            He stops kissing my neck and places his head on my shoulder.

            "Hey...remember how I said before that I tell you everything about me?"

            "Yeah. What about it?"

            "Well, I lied." Lee looks away. "I have the same feelings for you. I was scared of telling you, too. I'm a hypocrite, I know. Who was I to judge you if I was doing the same thing?"

            "Really?" I say in shock. "You never seemed interested..."

            "I hide things really well. Especially when I really like someone and I think I don't have a chance with them."

            "I guess we want the same thing then?"

            He looks at me and laughs. I give him a questioning look.

            "What is it?" I ask.

            "You kind of have a girlfriend now. Maybe if you break up with her we can start calling ourselves an item."

            I groan and shut my eyes.

            Lee says, "Although you're technically not dating her, right? You just went on a date, but that doesn't mean you guys are going out. Right?"

            "Yeah.”

            "So just tell her that you have a boyfriend. That should make things clear. What do you think?"

            I stare at him and wonder how I'm going to do this. How can I pass up Lee? He looks at me eagerly for a response, waiting patiently. I guess I'm just going to have to spill my secret to Kristen already.

            "All right, I'll do it. I'll give her a call tomorrow."

            "You promise?"

            "Yes. I promise."

            I gaze at the ceiling. My stomach starts to churn as I think about my dad coming home.

            "You're worried, aren't you?" Lee nudges my shoulder affectionately with his head.

            "Yeah,  but I guess it's for the best. I can't live a lie forever. Even if it means being kicked out of my own house..."

            "You always have my place. I already talked to my folks about it. They're okay with it."

            "Thank you so much. You know...lately I've been wondering why things have to be so goddamn hard. They don't have to be."

            "People make it like that. They always do." Lee whispers as he wraps his arms around me. "The only thing that you can do is just move on and try your best. I've found that it's the only thing you can do. Ignorant people can't be changed. They’ll always be around."

            "I wish my dad wasn't one of them."

            "I know...I'm sorry."

            He hugs me and I hold on to him as tightly as I can. I don't want him to leave.

            "Well, I should get going. I don't want to be here when your dad arrives. It will just make things worse."

            "I guess," I say.

            "Call me tomorrow. Please?"

            He pouts in an attempt to make me laugh. I push him off the sofa in response. He puts his shirt back on as he stands up.

            "You're awfully mean when you're drunk," he says. 

            "I'm not even slightly drunk! You're just insane."

            He kisses my lips and makes his way down the stairs.

            "Later," he says as he closes the door behind him.

            I sigh and sit up. My dad should be coming home soon. When he does, I'm going to tell him exactly how I feel. I won't be holding back any longer.

                                                                        *****

            My dad arrives a little bit after ten thirty. By that time, I’ve hidden the bottle of whiskey in my closet and rinsed my mouth with Scope to hide the smell of alcohol. He looks happy as he walks up the stairs, as if he was just having a great time. Too bad that's going to change within a couple of minutes.

            "Hey. Where'd you go?" I ask him once he takes off his coat and sits down on the couch.

            "I went out with my brother for a bit. We played some pool and watched some football."

            "Oh. Cool. I left you a note on the table. I guess you didn't see it?"

            "I've been out since you went on your date. How did it go?"

            He turns on the television and I glare at him. It's starting to really piss me off how he is deciding to ignore the truth.

            I say, "I'm going to tell her everything tomorrow."

            My dad's smile suddenly fades. He still has his eyes on the television screen as he changes it to ESPN.

            I continue to say, "That means I'm going to tell her that I'm not straight. I’ll also tell her why I even went to see her in the first place."

            He doesn't say anything, and it's making me shake all over. It's like he's trying to royally piss me off on purpose.

            "I fucking hate you. I don't know who the hell you are anymore," I whisper vehemently.

            I'm about to walk away, but he suddenly grabs hold of my arm very tightly. He pulls me toward him, which makes me almost lose my balance.

            "Say it to my face," he says as he looks into my eyes.

            He probably thinks that I'm so fucking scared of him right now. The funny thing is that I don’t feel afraid at all.

            "I said that I fucking hate you. And while we're at it, I also think that you're a selfish asshole."

            His eyes can't hide the anger anymore. He pushes me forward, forcing me to fall down on the floor.

            "A son always has respect for his father. Take those sinful words back," he says.

            "I won't. I meant every single word I said."

            He gets up from the couch as I'm trying to get to my feet. I suddenly remember how strong my dad is when he takes me by the shoulders and pins me against the wall. Once I feel the back of my head start to throb, I curse.

            "Fuck off," I manage to say.

            "You take those words back or you leave my house."

            "Fine. I'm leaving then."

            I push him off me with all the strength I have. If he wants me to leave, then I'm going. I immediately run through all the things I need. I don't need that much; just my clothes and my toothbrush. I'm also bringing the bottle of Southern Comfort and the book that's hiding underneath my bed. With little difficulty, I place everything I need in my book bag within a minute. My dad's not stopping me, so I assume that he's serious about this.  He waits for me by the stairway and he already has a guilty look on his face.

            He says, "Don't leave."

            "I don't want to stay here anymore, James. Especially with your anger issues."

            "I just don't get what I did wrong! What did I do to make you this way?"

            I stare at him, disgusted, but don't bother to say a word as I walk past him and down the stairs. He tries to grab hold of me, but I manage to slip away. I rush down the stairs in a hurry, not bothering to look behind me. Once I step outside, I start to run as fast as I can. My dad follows after me, but he stops once he gets to the yard. If he really wants to stop me, he would still be chasing me. He's a much better runner than I am.

            "So you're just going to leave. You have nowhere to go!" my dad yells out.

            I quickly walk in the dark so I can't be seen by him. For once I think it's good that there are few lights in the street. Once I know that he can't see me, I cross the street and quickly walkup to Lee's house. I’m lucky that he answers the door and immediately lets me inside.

 Chapter 10

            "So it was pretty bad then," Lee says once he closes the door to his room. "Maybe I should have given you better advice."

            "It was worth it. He's got the picture now that I'm not going to hide who I am anymore."

            I place my bag on the floor and sit on his bed. Even though I feel like I should be furious, I'm not. Lee notices my lack of emotion and joins me on the bed.

            "What exactly happened?"

            "I told him how I feel. For once I didn't hold back. It felt good, Lee. To be honest, I was expecting to feel remorse, but it was the complete opposite. It felt liberating."

            He looks at me with admiration and says, "I couldn't have worded it better myself."

            "But it's not over."

            "What do you mean?"

            "Payback’s just started. It's not over yet. By the end of the week, everyone in my family will know the truth. My dad can deal with it himself. He deserves it."

            "Wow. I hope I never piss you off."

            I place my head on his shoulder and say, "You can't do that. I love you too much."

            "That's what you say now. Next thing you know you'll be telling me to go to hell. It always happens."

            "Um, no?" I laugh at how wrong he is. "It would be the other way around."

            "I tend to fuck things up big time. Why do you think I've always had the shortest relationships? Guys think I'm great until I fuck things up."

            "Yeah, I'm sure." I roll my eyes at him. "All of this information is passing through my ears, but it's not being processed. Please try again later."

            "I wish I was kidding."

            I look at him and frown. He really isn't kidding. He looks so sad now. I know how that is, so I gently push him down on the bed and lay right next to him. My hand roams across his face as he looks off into space with a weary expression. He's holding something back from me.

            "What's bothering you?" I ask.

            "I feel weird. I don't know...I'm usually don’t 'feel' the future and predict what's going to happen, but I think everything’s gonna go downhill soon."

            "How soon?"

            "Any day now. It already has in my eyes. Did your dad hurt you?"

            I look away from Lee. If someone ever hurt him, I'd sure as hell want to kill the fucking asshole.

            "I'm assuming that's a yes," he says.

            "I'm all right. He didn't hurt me too bad. It's nothing to get upset over."

            "What the fuck did he do to you?" he asks with a taut voice.

            "Hey, it's okay. Don't get too upset, please? He just..." I pause, not wanting to continue. "He just pushed me around a bit. A lot of dads do that to their kids. It comes with the parenting."

            "That’s how it starts. Your dad sounds like the unpredictable type.”

            I nod. Lee shakes his head and stares at the floor.

            I say, "He won't go into therapy. My mom has tried to make him go, but she always ends up giving up. I really can't blame her. I'm surprised she still tries."

            "Where is your mom, anyway?"

            "At my grandpa's place," I say. "She's going to come back and get pissed when she finds out what happened. I can't exactly lie to her, either. She hates it when he pushes me around. Once she finds out that he kicked me out of the house, though..."

            "What do you think she'll do?"

            "She'll probably take me with her."

            "I can see why," he says.

            "She hasn't talked about divorce, but I get the feeling..."

            "She’s definitely thought about it, no doubt. Has your dad ever threatened her?"

            I shake my head. "Not that I know of. I'm worried it might happen, though. I was thinking about that earlier today, how he could easily kill my mom if he wanted to. It made me fucking paranoid. There's just no telling with him anymore. He never used to be like this."

            Lee scowls. "When exactly did you tell them?"

            "About me?"

            He nods.

            "It was about a week after graduation. At first he didn't say anything to me, but then he kept using the Bible against me. Still does it."

            "The good old Bible, my favorite." He laughs and says, "You know, both of my parents are Christian and they despise the whole anti-gay movement. They think it's disgusting, not to mention extremely hypocritical. I think the same, too."

            "I thought you were Christian?"

            Lee shrugs and says, "I don’t care about religion anymore. Everyone has a different path, you know?"

            "I agree. Where are they tonight, anyway?"

            "They're at a friend’s party. They'll be back later."

            "That's cool."

            Wait a minute, I suddenly think to myself. That's what my father is exactly doing. He wants me to be an exact replica of him. I ditched my interest in math and science, and instead I'm figuring out what my career will be. I don't give a shit about sports anymore, even though I used to play with him all the time. This isn't about my sexuality; it's about the differences. He never was a full fledged Christian, anyway. All of this crap about me being a sinner and going to hell is completely stupid.

            "I'm going to pay him another visit," I say as I stand up. "You're right. No one should boss me around. That includes my dad."

            "You're gonna go again? Why?"

            "I have to prove to him that I'm his son, not his slave. I'll be back soon."

            "Fifteen minutes. If you're not back by then, I'm heading over there."

            I nod as I make my way out of his house. If I want to be a liar, I would say that I'm not scared right now. The truth, however, is the complete opposite. This may not be the smartest idea, but it's something that I have to do.

            When I approach the driveway, a sickening feeling takes hold of my stomach. My mom's car has been replaced my dad's red BMW. He has two BMW's. He always uses the red one when he's out of town, so I immediately assume that he's gone for the rest of the night. I step inside the house as quietly as I can and listen for any sounds. There isn’t any. I walk up the stairs and find my mom sitting on the couch, crying. I can see the tears distinctly, even though I'm halfway across the room from her. She stands up quickly to embrace me tightly. I close my eyes and hold her tighter.

            "I shouldn't have left," she whispers hoarsely. "God, I am so sorry for leaving."

            "Mom...it's okay. You've done nothing wrong," I say urgently. "Did he leave?"

            "Yeah, he just left five minutes ago. I've never seen him so angry before, even counting all of the recent fights we've had. It was the scary kind of anger, the one that gets me shaking."

            "Where'd he go?" I ask as I let go of her and sit on the couch.

            "I have no idea. Honestly, I don't give a fuck where he is right now." She sits on the couch next to me. "He's probably off to stay with his family. Actually, I should have chased him, but I decided to stay because I find myself giving up already."

            "What do you mean?"

            "He left with half the tequila bottle empty. It was new."

            "Fuck..." I stare at the floor. "I hope he doesn't go too far."

            "James has never driven while drinking.”

            "I should have kept my mouth shut."

            "No. It's not your fault, as much as he likes to say that it is. He's not owning up to his problems. Being a homophobic idiot is one of them."

            "He asked me what he did wrong before I left. To make me gay, I guess. Maybe he thinks it's all his fault?"

            "Yes. He said that during one of our fights. I remember it because I shut him up by saying he was being selfish, and for once it had nothing to do with him."

            "You really said that?" I ask.

            "Of course I did. Why wouldn't I defend my son? It's my job.” She wipes the tears off and smiles a little. "But that might change soon. I applied for a couple of jobs today where my dad lives. If I get one, I'm moving over there to go live with him."

            "That's awesome. Do you think I can go over there with you?"

            She looks at me oddly. "I thought you liked staying here."

            I think of something to say, but nothing comes. For once I have nothing to say to my own mom. I should tell her the truth about what happened, but how can I do it with all this drama? It will just add more tension.

            "He did something to you?" she asks suddenly.

            I don't say anything as I watch her face through the realization. My mom has never been a stupid person.

            "Gary, you have to tell me if he touched you. If he did, then we're leaving this very second."

            "He's going to kill me for telling you, isn't he?" I ask as I try to stay calm.

            "He won't have the chance to. That's a promise.”

            "He didn't hurt me too bad. He just pushed me around. Grabbed my arm so I wouldn't leave when he was talking to me. Shoved me to the floor. Pushed me against the wall."

            "Where did you get hurt?"

            I show her the arm that James grabbed earlier. It has a faint bruise, but nothing too ugly. When I lift my pants to show her my thigh, though, she curses. The bruise doesn't look too good. Apparently I grazed the skin rather badly because there is some dried blood on the bruise. My mom stands up, looking determined.

            "Get your things. We're leaving."

            "I have my things at Lee's house...can I go get them?"

            "I'll meet you there."

            She walks to her room silently. I immediately make my way back to Lee's house, wondering if James will come back before we get to leave. Will he hurt mom, too? I try not to overwhelm myself with questions that I can't answer, but it's really hard to avoid them when absolutely nothing feels right. I open the door and find Lee sitting on the steps of the staircase, looking anxious. He looks up at me and sighs.

            "I was about to leave, too," he says as I walk over to him.

            "Mom's taking me with her. We're going to my grandpa’s. I told her about him pushing me around."

            "Any good mom would do the same thing. So you're leaving now?"

            "Yup. It's for the best, I guess." I pause and say, "I'm going to miss you."

            "How far away is your grandpa's house?"

            "Lee, you don't have to-"

            "How far away is it?"

            "Only half an hour away."

            "That isn't bad at all. Do you think I can go see you tomorrow? If it's okay with your mom and grandpa, of course."

            "Definitely." My smile turns into a grin. "I'd love that."

            "That makes two of us. I'll get your bag."

            "Oh, thanks."

            I watch as he runs up the stairs to get my stuff. The sound of a car parking outside reaches my ears, and suddenly it dawns on me that we're leaving James all by himself. For a moment I feel pity for him, but then I remember how immature he’s been. Lee rushes down the stairs with my bag, hands it to me, and hugs me tightly for a couple of seconds. He whispers something into my ear, but it comes out muffled. Then he kisses me on the lips and lets me go. I walk away against my own will, not wanting to leave him behind. I wave at him before I enter the car with my bag and close the door shut. My mom starts the car, and suddenly I recognize Lee's whispered words to me. I love you. He told me that he loved me. I relax against the passenger seat and try not to grin too much.

            "So...you and him. Anything I should know?" my mom asks once she stops at the first red light.

            I instantly feel my cheeks turn red. She asked, so I decide to tell her. I say everything, minus the inappropriate feelings of lust. She is, after all, my mom.

Chapter 11

            We end up getting there a little bit late because of traffic. I almost fall asleep on the passenger seat, but mom wakes me up once she parks the car in the driveway. My grandpa, Stefan, waits for us outside of the door. He lives on the edge of the woods, so it’s very calm and quiet here at night. Stefan greets us and rushes us inside, knowing that we're tired. My mom kisses me on the cheek and gives me a quick hug.

            "Good night, love. Stefan will show you where you're sleeping."

            "Okay. Night, mom."

            Stefan leads me to the basement, where he quickly gets a couple of sheets and a pillow from the closet. He sets up a quick bed on the sofa for me. Exhausted, I lay on it and relax. I haven't realized how tired I am until now.

            "Thank you so much," I say as I pull the covers over myself.

            "Anytime."

            He shuts the light and closes the door once he leaves the basement. Sleep comes quickly, much to my surprise.

                                                                        *****

            The smell of bacon and eggs wakes me up. My stomach growls, and I immediately make my way to the kitchen. My mom and grandpa are cooking a delicious breakfast, one that includes hash browns and home made orange juice. They’re also cooking eggs and bacon. She sees me and smiles.

            "Gary! You woke up. Sit down, breakfast will be ready in a second."

            "I'm assuming you're hungry?" my grandpa asks as he turns around with a plate of steaming bacon. "I remember you used to have such an appetite. Is that still the same?"

            "Right now it is," I say as I eye the plate.

            He laughs and says, "Good.”

            I take an empty plate from the table and serve myself several strips of bacon. Mom walks over with the scrambled eggs, and Stefan brings the hash browns. I take two of them, as well as some eggs, and begin to eat quickly. Apparently it's quite the sight, because my mom and grandpa both sit down and laugh.

            "Have you been feeding him, Helena?”

            "She does feed me," I manage to say among a mouthful of hash browns. "It's just that I'm stupid and I forget to eat."

            "Enough with that kind of talk," Stefan says as he starts serving himself.

            My mom joins us at the table and looks at me, amused. "Remember, my dad doesn't like negativity one bit. That's the only rule in his house. No negativity or else you leave."

            "Got it."

            We eat in silence for a couple of minutes until I finish everything. I'm about to bring my plate to the sink, but my grandfather stops me by clearing his voice.

            "Can I have a word with you?” he asks.

            "Of course. I'm not going anywhere."

            "About your father...Helena told me what happened last night. Are you doing okay?"

            I stare at him and then at my mom. They both look at me eagerly, waiting for my answer.

            "I'm all right. I woke up and forgot that I even have a bruise. It doesn't hurt at all. Why do you ask?"

            "Well...I didn't mean physically."

            "Oh." I lower my gaze to the floor. "Yeah, I guess I'm okay."

            My mom says, "Do you feel uncomfortable talking about this? You don't have to if you feel weird."

            "Not, it's fine."

            Stefan adds, "Because you're more than welcome to stay here for as long as you want.”

            I smile. "Thanks. I think I'll be okay, though. Don't worry about me."

            "Of course we worry about you," Stefan says in a rush. "He doesn't have the right to hit you or threaten you. Your mom is worried. I’m worried, too. Hell, I'm worried for the both of you. It's all right if you're not what James expected you to be. You shouldn't be suffering for it."

            "I guess..." I say awkwardly. "I don't feel completely horrible or anything like that."

            "Just know that you have us, okay?"

            "Thanks. Oh," I suddenly remember about Lee coming over. "Is it okay if a friend comes over today? He has his own car and everything. He can leave whenever you want."

            "That's fine with me." He looks over at my mom. "What about you, Helena?"

            "Not at all. Do you need to use the phone to call him?"

            "Please?"

            My grandpa leans over to get the phone on the wall and hands it to me. "Use it anytime you want."

            "Thanks," I say and smile.

            "And enough with the thank you's. Think of this as your house while you're staying here."

            I smile. "No problem."

            My mom laughs, and I excuse myself from the kitchen. Going back to the basement, I dial Lee's number and wait for him to pick up.

            "Hello?" Lee's voice picks up.

            "Hey, it's Gary. What's up?"

            "Oh, hi! Nothing much here, just doing some chores. How did you sleep?"

            "I slept okay. And you?"

            "Fine,” he says. “Did you ask them if I can come over today?"

            "Yeah, I did. They said it's fine. You can come over whenever you want."

            "Sweet...just tell me the address and I'll map quest it."

            "All right," I say with a smirk.

            I tell him the address and wait for him to write it down. Once he has it on paper, I wait as I hear him typing on the keyboard to find the directions.

            "I got it. I should be there in like half an hour, okay?"

            I try not to sound too excited. "Cool. I'll see you soon, then."

            "Yup. Bye."

            I hang up the phone and smile. Excited, I lay down on the sofa and remember of last night. I'm still kind of in shock over Lee and me kissing. It felt so surreal. I squirm as I remember of the kiss, and then of us making out at the house. His hands are so soft when they touch my skin, and his lips taste so good. I can't imagine what it would be like to...

            I groan as I stop. I don't want to do any of that yet. Knowing me, I would like to wait, but my body is obviously ready for more. I guess I'm a romantic, but I think it has more meaning if the intimacy is stored for later. Others don't wait, and that's okay as well. I think of his tongue trailing down my neck, down my chest and going lower to my hips. I groan as I imagine the sensations that would pulse through me. He would rip off my pants and...

            I suddenly hiss. I'm just screwing myself over by dreaming about it. It isn't going to help. Frowning, I feel the throbbing subside as I think about last night. Perhaps I should be afraid of James? Maybe I don’t show him the respect he expects? I scowl as I remember everything that he’s done so far, though, and everything that he’s said. It's obvious that he's hurting my mom, and when is that ever right? I hate when people hurt the ones they love. It doesn't make sense.

            Wanting to pass the time, I go upstairs again and walk into the living room, where I turn on the television and watch some random shows. Nothing really holds my interest, but it does make time pass rather quickly. I have the television set on the History Channel when the doorbell rings.  I jump from the couch and beat Stefan to the door.

            "I win!" I say. "You better be faster next time!"

            He rolls his eyes and smiles lazily. I open the door to find Lee staring at the house, taking it all in. He finally sets his eyes on me and smiles.

            "Howdy," he says.

            "Hey. This is my grandfather, Stefan. Stefan, this is Lee."

            "Nice to meet you." Lee steps into the house and shakes Stefan's hand.

            "Likewise. Come in. Do you want anything to eat or drink?"

            "Thank you, but I'm fine. I just had a huge breakfast."

            "You're welcome to raid the kitchen at any time."

            Lee smiles at me, and I grab his arm gently. "Come on."

            Stefan walks away as I lead Lee into the basement. He laughs once we finish walking down the stairs.

            "What is it?" I ask as I lay down on the sofa and stretch.

            "Nothing. It's stupid."

            "Say it."

            "You'll make fun of me." He joins me on the sofa. "It's really dumb, actually, and very embarrassing."

            "Okay. Now tell me."

            He blushes and starts biting his nails. I look at him, slightly confused. He must really be embarrassed, because he only bites his nails when he’s embarrassed.

            "Promise you won't laugh?" he asks.

            "Of course."

            "Remember that guy I went out with in high school? The one who ended up with a girl?"

            "Yeah."

            "Well...how I felt for him...I never wanted it to happen again. I got so fed up with love. After we broke up, I promised to myself that it wouldn't happen again. It felt like the sadness was eating me away for the longest time. Well, it happened again."

            "What happened again?" I ask as I set my eyes set on him.

            "Me opening up. Allowing these feelings to start again. Only..."

            "Only what?"

            He looks at me right in the eyes and says, "I always ruin it."

            "Everyone messes up."

            "This is different. This has people's emotions involved. You shouldn't fuck with people's feelings...it comes back to you twice as bad. It may be a stupid belief, but seriously, I believe in it."

            "Well, you could always start over again. No one can you stop you from doing that." I smile and say, "A new beginning can always happen. Any day."

            Lee laughs. "You sound like Dr. Phil again."

            "I hope I don't look like him," I grumble.

            "Never will."

            He smiles as he spaces out suddenly. I stare at him and wonder what he’s thinking. I want to ask him what he’s talking about, but I don't want to bother him. It was obviously hard for him to confess this. Not wanting him to feel any worse, I sit up on the couch and kiss his shoulder gently.

            I say, "Did you check out the woods here? They make the one at home look tiny."

            He laughs again and says, "Yeah, I noticed. It looks really nice. Maybe we can spend some time out there?"

            I smile. "Of course we can. We seem to spend more time in the woods than anywhere else."

            "I think it's a good thing."

            "Yeah, I think so, too."

            I frown as I decide to ask him. Maybe he means cheating?

            "When you say you ruin it...what do you mean, Lee?"

            He bites his lip as he stares at the floor. "I always hurt someone badly. It ends up being something I say or do. It always hold me back. It's complicated."

            "So is it cheating?"

            "No."

            I grab hold of his hand suddenly. "Come on. We're going."

            I'm glad that I actually asked. We head into the woods as I ignore the other questions already building in my mind.